Commentary:
Pasta crime alert 🚨 Breaking spaghetti? That's a pasta-tastrophe! 🍝🤣
5670 Funny i quotes
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Commentary:
Looks like the romance just got a "scorching" plot twist! Who needs therapy when you've got gasoline, right? 😅🔥👕
I love when really expensive products say, “apply generously,” like, of course, you would say that.
Commentary:
Irony level: 💎💰 Apply generously… with a side of financial panic! 😂💸
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes.
Commentary:
Sounds like your kid graduated from the School of Slow Shoelace Tying! 🐢👟😄
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me.
Commentary:
I'm still waiting for that raise from my inner HR department! 😂💼💸
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job.
Commentary:
Trying to create the world's first high-five-fueled resignation 😆🙌🔜🚪
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Commentary:
Living in the moment might be rent-free, but apparently not for long! 😂🏠🚪
Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk? Sure. But have the sober ones been any better? Not really.
Commentary:
Sounds like I'm the same comedian whether I'm sipping tea or tequila 🤔🎭🥃
Only time I believe a man is when he tells me that I’m pretty.
Commentary:
Believing guys is a lot easier when they start with the right compliment! 😏💁♀️✨
I miss you (the money I spent).
Commentary:
Missing you like my wallet misses its friends: the dollars 💸😂