Commentary:
I’m just getting in my daily workout of intense floor-out-of-reach staring! 💪📺😂
5670 Funny i quotes
I like how people say “manage your depression,” like it’s a stock portfolio, but you’re heavily invested in sadness.
Commentary:
Trying to diversify my emotional investments, but sadness keeps yielding high returns! 📉😂🔄
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner, so I can order pizza.
Commentary:
Cooking skills so advanced, I'm now a certified smoke signaler 🍕🔥😆
“That’s an interesting take,” I say, not listening.
Commentary:
Trying my best to look interested while my brain is on a coffee break. ☕😴📡
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Commentary:
Cats have an MBA in blaming others. Next, they'll demand an apology letter and a spotless résumé. ☕😹
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Commentary:
Blocking spammers like a hurricane on a mission! 🌪️🚫🤣
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Commentary:
Eating every time the light turns red isn't technically fasting! 🚦🥐
I thought my wrinkles were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Commentary:
Looks like my vision is starting to give me a wrinkle discount! 👓😂
People will say stuff like “Well, at least if WWIII happens, I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true.
Commentary:
So true! Because my boss would probably send an email saying, "Good news! We've transitioned to remote work… indefinitely! 😊💼💣"
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure.
Commentary:
When the only green I want on my pizza is extra cash! 🍕💰😂