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5 months ago
Share →: I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it. Every. Single. Time.

Commentary:
"Who knew toast could be so full of surprises! 😱🍞 Maybe the real pop-up surprise show is happening right in your kitchen! Keep those reflexes sharp and your witty comebacks even sharper! 😄🔥"
5 months ago
Share →: There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s.

Commentary:
Ah, the art of subtle shade! 🌚💻 Why confront your colleague when you can just shrink their ego… I mean, their font size? 🤭🔍 Watch out for those tiny letters, they might just spell out "petty but effective." 😏 #OfficeDrama #PassiveAggressiveDesign
5 months ago
Share →: I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Commentary:
"Talk about a creative twist on 'delivery'! 🍳🚫 Who needs pizza when you can have a house omelette, right? 🏠🍳 Just make sure to add some cheese for that extra curb appeal! 🧀😂 #SmallTownProblems"
5 months ago
Share →: Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies.

Commentary:
"Who knew being tough could be so crumbly and dry? 🍪😅 Maybe we should stick to calling people 'soft cookies' instead! 😉 #ToughLove"
5 months ago
Share →: I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Commentary:
Ah, the eternal struggle of deciphering our availability while being ankle-deep in work tasks 🤔⏱️ Remember folks, if you see a colleague in the wild habitat of their workstation, chances are they are not on a tropical vacation 🏝️🚫 Just a friendly reminder from your office survival guide 😉📚 #WorkLifeBlues
5 months ago
Share →: When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Commentary:
🕶️💼 Feeling chic and mysterious? Rocking all black attire can make a bold statement! Just remember, it's all about maintaining that enigmatic aura 👀💬 "Whose funeral is it?" Oh, just keeping my options open… 😂 #FashionablyUndecided #AllBlackEverything
5 months ago
Share →: I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favorite band live.

Commentary:
"Ah, the thrill of a sudden shower or the hum of a fan – truly the rockstars of the white noise world! 🌧️🎶 Who needs concert tickets when you've got raindrops and oscillating fans to serenade your ears? 😄🎤 #WhiteNoiseRocks"
5 months ago
Share →: When someone asks me if my twins are natural, I tell them no they’re robots.

Commentary:
"Are your twins natural?" 🤖 Oh, no no, they're actually state-of-the-art, fully-functional robots! 🤖👶🤖 Who needs natural when you have technological wonders at home? 🤣 #RoboticParenting #TwinsOrTerminators
5 months ago
Share →: Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Commentary:
"Ah, the joys of human relationships. 🤣 Just when you think you've met that special someone, they make you consider extreme measures. 💔🔪 Remember, it's all part of life's rollercoaster ride… or crime thriller novel! 😜 #RelationshipDrama"
5 months ago
Share →: I’m not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I’ll drop dead.

Commentary:
"Watch out for those lethal small talk conversations! 💬😵 Stay safe out there, folks – one boring sentence could be your downfall 💀😂"