If you can’t handle me at my worst, then honestly, you’re missing out because that’s when my jokes and bits get really, really good.

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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence.

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The only talent I have is spending more than I bring in.

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Telling my guitar to “stay tuned”.

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Maybe if I spend another day alone in my room then something life-changing will suddenly happen to me!?

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My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that makes him cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

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Being single for Valentine’s Day is way better than being in the wrong relationship.

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Nothing bad can happen while you’re under a blanket. Just remember that.