Ludacris once said “If you ain’t got no money take yo’ broke ass home” and I haven’t left the house since. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Proposing at someone else’s wedding is out. Die at their funeral like a real man. Posted onMay 25, 2026
One day you’re hip and cool, and then out of nowhere you say things like hip and cool. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Why do people think it’s ok to ask why a person is single? I don’t ask why you’re unhappily married. Posted onMay 25, 2026
His palm trees are Serengeti, destination wedding, luggage is heavy. There’s vomit on his tux already, Dollar store confetti. Posted onMay 25, 2026
When the blood pressure machine comes out for one person, the whole family has to get involved. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Only a couple more days until I come home and pretend I forgot about Valentine’s Day. Posted onMay 25, 2026
They are mad because you took that knife out of your back and used it to cut ties. Posted onMay 25, 2026
The belief that software engineers are uniquely intelligent has done unimaginable damage on society. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed their chest because of their belief there would be countless water slides in the after life. Posted onMay 25, 2026
What if your dog one day just randomly said “Nobody is going to believe you” and never spoke again. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Welcome to your 50’s. Your doctor and pharmacist are both in your contacts now. Posted onMay 25, 2026
The goth urge to live in a haunted Victorian estate and be feared by the townspeople. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I don’t care about life on other planets. I don’t even have a life on this one. Posted onMay 25, 2026
When people are telling me a story about their life it often reminds me of a much better story from my life. Posted onMay 25, 2026
My fondest childhood memory is being able to sleep through the entire night and waking up rested. Posted onMay 25, 2026
The only team building exercise we had when I started working was called “Happy Hour.” Posted onMay 25, 2026
My least controversial opinion is that IKEA should have a bar. I think we were meant to consume three beers and then purchase a Gjörfbunkle. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Interviewer: “What did you learn from your previous job?” Me: “That I need a new job.” Posted onMay 25, 2026
My wife bought new towels and they’re different colors, so I know the entire color scheme of my house is about to change. Posted onMay 25, 2026
We should all start texting each other like old time explorers. ‘Dearest friend, I have survived another week. The horrors persist.’ Posted onMay 25, 2026