The sweet spot is just enough pain to know you’re alive, but not quite enough to wish you were dead.

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I’ve woken up yet again without an emotional support capybara.

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Celery is depressing green water wafers.

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I don’t understand why “family-run” should be a sign of quality. North Korea, for example, is also family-run and doesn’t convince me at all.

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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you.

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Sitting with my legs really wide to experiment with gender.

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Nothing ruins a Friday like realizing it’s only Wednesday.

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I will never forget how to spell bananas, thanks to Gwen Stefani.

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Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

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Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.