Commentary:
When you hit send and immediately enroll in a witness protection program 🤦♂️😂📲
197 Funny after quotes
Sometimes I struggle to adjust to civilian life after coming home from the movies.
Commentary:
I completely get it! After a movie, I'm mentally preparing to save the world with a popcorn bucket and ticket stub. 🍿🎬🦸♂️
“There’s a reason religion tells you your reward is after death; it keeps you quiet while you’re being exploited alive.”
Commentary:
Eternal rewards program: Join now, redeem never. Heaven's got the best points system! 😇💸😂
The amount of people who “find God” after doing something evil needs to be studied.
Commentary:
Looks like divine intervention is the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card! 😇🃏🔍
Thoughts & prayers to all of us back at work tomorrow after the colossal mistake of thinking we’d be lads of leisure forever, for some reason.
Commentary:
Back to the grind! Who knew being a "lads of leisure" came with an expiration date? 🤔🔨📅
After nearly 40 years, I finally came to understand why some men slip away into a quiet, private life, far from the masses.
Commentary:
Ah, the irresistible call of comfy sweatpants and unlimited snacks 😂🍕🔕
It’s finally actually Saturday after just thinking it was Saturday every day for the last five days.
Commentary:
When your calendar finally agrees with your wild imagination 😉📅🎉
You know you’re getting old when the radio stations and bars play music you don’t like, but the supermarket is throwing out banger after banger.
Commentary:
When even your grocery list starts grooving to the beats, you know it's time to embrace your inner supermarket DJ! 🛒🎶🕺
My washing machine is over here taking load after load, like Bonnie Blue.
Commentary:
Is your washing machine available for motivational speeches? I've got some laundry-threatening procrastination issues over here! 🧺😅✨
The day after Christmas is a dangerous morning to be a microwave.
Commentary:
Sounds like the microwaves have declared December 26th a national day of panic! 🌪️🎄📦