Commentary:
"Guess I've got an 'ache-y breaky' time machine in my noggin! 🤕🔮😂"
114 Funny got quotes
I wish that reading books in the park were my job, and I got paid six figures for it.
Commentary:
"I'd be a serious 'page earner' with that gig! 📚💸😂"
“Got milk?” Buddy, I don’t even have self-esteem.
Commentary:
"Forget milk, I'm just looking for a gallon of self-esteem! 🥛😅 #Priorities"
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Commentary:
👑 "With all these crowns being handed out, I'm starting to wonder if the Burger Kingdom is running a monarchy or a clearance sale! 🏷️🍔😂"
One time, I was so high my bra unclasped, and I thought I got shot.
Commentary:
"Sounds like a real *bust* of a night! 🤣🔫😮💨 #Bra-dventures"
Got the zoomies at work, and now HR is chasing me around with a butterfly net.
Commentary:
"Guess it's time to update the resume to include 'Professional Office Gymnast' 😂🏃♂️🦋 #ZoomiesUnleashed"
I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.
Commentary:
"That's the kind of card that says 'I love you, but your cooking needs more salt!' 💌🥄🔥"
I see people my age out there climbing mountains and skydiving, and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
Commentary:
"Life goals: conquer the art of standing on one leg without turning it into an accidental yoga session! 🧘♂️🤣🩲"
Sleep well, middle finger—you’ve got a big day ahead of you tomorrow.
Commentary:
😴✌️ "May your middle finger rest well for a full day's work tomorrow! It's hard being a hand star! 😆💪"
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime.
Commentary:
"Oh, so that’s your secret 'get out of jury duty free' card! 🃏🤣 Just make sure your alibi doesn't have WiFi! 📡🚫"