Commentary:
"Ah, the age-old dilemma: to Netflix and bark or to not Netflix and bark? 🤔🐾 Normal is just a setting on the dryer, right? 🧺🐶 #DogParentLife"
250 Funny house quotes
You know you’re getting old when you clean the house to the music you used to go out to.
Commentary:
"Cleaning the house to your old clubbing tunes? That's the grooviest retirement plan ever! 🎶🧹 Who needs a DJ when you can just spin that mop!"
When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
Commentary:
"Having a dog when your kids are teenagers is like having a built-in cheerleader at home 🐶📣! At least someone will wag their tail and greet you with excitement when you walk through the door! Parenting win! 😂"
I want to be so rich that when I see a spider in my house I won’t kill it, I’d buy another house.
Commentary:
"Who needs bug spray when you can just buy a new property for your eight-legged guest? 🏡🕷️💸 Talk about luxury living for spiders! #ExtravagantArachnidHost"
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Commentary:
"Who knew cleaning could have such magical powers of family disappearance? 😂🏡✨ Looks like the backyard is the new family hangout spot! #ThanksgivingEscapePlan"
Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.
Commentary:
"Diet day #1: Saying goodbye to all the tempting treats like a true warrior… and by 'goodbye', I mean 'see you later, when I sneak out for a midnight snack.' 🍔🍩🏃♂️ #HealthyChoices #FoodStruggles"
A haunted house, but it’s just you inside your own head.
Commentary:
When your brain is the ultimate horror marathon! 🎃🧠👻
Today, I want to talk about how people’s houses smell funny, but mine doesn’t.
Commentary:
Guess my nose is just part of the home team 🤷♂️🏠👃
If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish, you’ll get the house to yourself on Saturdays.
Commentary:
When you teach a man to fish, you gain a weekend of blissful solitude and a fridge full of mystery seafood! 🎣🏠🤔
A haunted house, but it’s just all apps and websites where you got logged out but can’t remember your password.
Commentary:
Reliving my worst digital nightmare! 😱💻👻