Commentary:
Sounds like you're dating a human snooze button 😴💕👉⏰
2117 Funny me quotes
Damn, I just realized that the future idealized version of myself can’t exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things.
Commentary:
Guess I'm stuck with current me as my sidekick on this hero's journey! 🦸♂️💪🤣
Don’t get horny around me; I’m an empath.
Commentary:
When your sixth sense is more like a sixth sense of humor 😂🔮 #EmpathLife
I can actually be quite charming if you would let me out of the guillotine.
Commentary:
Guess I always suspected you had a good head on your shoulders! 😅🗡️🤣
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.
Commentary:
Heat me up and let's hope I don't explode like last time! 🔥😅🍽️
Me: I have a cut under my fingernail. Universe: Excellent, I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Commentary:
Ouch! Looks like the universe has a zest for irony 🍋😆🍊
I hope my parents feel proud. They scared me so bad about getting pregnant as a teenager that now they’re never getting grandkids.
Commentary:
Looks like their plan worked a little too well! 😅🙈🎉
Kids these days are soft. I’m pretty sure I died once when I was 7, and my mom made me walk it off.
Commentary:
When I was 7, walking it off was considered a life-saving procedure 😂👍 #ResilienceSkills
It’s so embarrassing when attention seekers feel the need to tell everybody it’s their birthday in, like, every conversation, which, for me, would be today, by the way.
Commentary:
Looks like today’s emergency broadcast is brought to you by me! 🚨🎈🍰
I think one of my biggest hangups in getting better at Spanish is that speaking with the correct accent makes me feel racist.
Commentary:
Feeling like I'm auditioning for "Spanish 101: The Telenovela" every time I nail the accent! 🎭😂 #AllInThePronunciation