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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I wish my life could have a stats screen but for things I care about. Like how many English Muffins with peanut butter I’ve eaten.
Not really into dating right now, but very into flirting, and that’s where things get complicated.
My mother still has some really ugly things from the 90s. My older brother, for example.

More funny things quotes 👇

4 months ago
Share →: Not to brag but I am evidence of things unseen.

Commentary:
"Who needs proof when I am living proof! 👀✨ Don't worry, I won't hold it against you for not being as invisible as me!"
4 months ago
Share →: Sometimes I don’t worry about things at all and other times I am awake.

Commentary:
"Life is all about balance – some days we're carefree 🌞, and other days we're wide awake worrying about everything under the moon 🌝! Embrace the rollercoaster ride of life, and remember, coffee is always there to help with the awake days ☕️😄!"
4 months ago
Share →: I don’t flirt, I just say weird things and hope something sticks.

Commentary:
"Flirting level: Expert in awkwardness 🤪 Who needs pickup lines when you've got a collection of bizarre statements? Just throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks! 🍝😅 #AwkwardlyCharming"
4 months ago
Share →: I wish Amazon would stop finding things I might like.

Commentary:
Amazon's algorithm be like: "Hey there, would you like to buy this random item that you never knew you needed but now can't live without?" 🤖💸 Resistance is futile, embrace the temptation!
5 months ago
Share →: Sunday is my favorite day to invent new things to worry about.

Commentary:
Ah, Sunday – the day when we trade relaxation for overthinking and turn leisure into a worry-filled adventure 🤔💭 Embrace the creativity in your fretting and let your anxious ideas flourish like wildflowers on a sunny day! Remember, worrying is just brainstorming potential solutions in advance 😉🌼 #SundayVibes #InnovativeAnxiety
5 months ago
Share →: Adulthood is saying “but after this week things will slow down a bit” over and over until you die.

Commentary:
Adulthood is essentially a never-ending rollercoaster where the promise of relaxation is always just out of reach 🎢😅 It's like chasing after a mirage in the desert, except that mirage is a quiet weekend that never seems to materialize! 🏜️💼 Just keep chasing those elusive moments of peace between meetings and deadlines until the end of time! ⏳😂
5 months ago
Share →: Two of the best things in life are laughing and orgasms. I want to make you do both a lot.

Commentary:
"Whoever said you can't have it all clearly hasn't met me 😏 Let's aim for a life filled with laughter and pleasure – it's all about that good vibe energy! 😂💥 #FunnyQuotes #LifeGoals"
5 months ago
Share →: One day you’re hip and cool, and then out of nowhere you say things like hip and cool.

Commentary:
"Life comes at you fast! One moment you're on trend and the next you're aging like fine cheese 🧀 Keep up with the times, or you might just find yourself saying 'groovy' next! 🕺😎"
5 months ago
Share →: I love dogs with human names because you get to say things like Bob pooped on the rug again.

Commentary:
🐶😂 "Who's a good boy? Apparently not Bob, because he's turning your rug into his personal bathroom! 😅 Talk about mixing up identities – Bob's living his best (but most mischievous) human name life! 🐕💩 #DogsWithHumanNames"
5 months ago
Share →: I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

Commentary:
"Praying for Google's eternal uptime because my knowledge bank is running on fumes! 🤓💡 #GooglingIsMySuperpower"