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139 Funny things quotes

It is very hard to set aside the time to do your taxes when you are really busy doing other things like eating a snack or looking around the room.

2 weeks ago

I wish my life could have a stats screen but for things I care about. Like how many English Muffins with peanut butter I’ve eaten.

2 weeks ago

Having a blocked nose really makes you appreciate the finer things in life, like breathing normally.

2 weeks ago

The problem with people starts when we expect things from them, or have anything to do with them.

2 weeks ago

If we were both crows, I’d bring you shiny things.

4 weeks ago

The only things that are really cool in my company are my salary and me.

1 month ago

I used to be cool and now I say things like “It’s so loud in here, I can’t hear myself think”.

1 month ago

I’m capable of doing a lot of things but listening to people chew their food is not one of them.

1 month ago

Writing is so fun because you get to google things like “woman names”.

1 month ago

Honestly, I don’t even play an active role in my life any more. Things just happen and I’m like “I guess this is what we’re doing now.”

1 month ago

Some things are better left unsaid, but people get drunk and say them anyway.

1 month ago

I may be a beginner at some things, but I have a black belt in shopping.

1 month ago

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

1 month ago

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity?

1 month ago

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

1 month ago

Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.

1 month ago

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine.

1 month ago

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband.

1 month ago

My favorite things about Texas are definitely toast and chainsaw massacres.

1 month ago

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind.

1 month ago