THRILLED to announce I did an Ironman this weekend! Attended 3 social gatherings in 3 days.

THRILLED to announce I did an Ironman this weekend! Attended 3 social gatherings in 3 days.

Commentary:
"Who needs a grueling Ironman when you can conquer the challenge of consecutive social gatherings?! 🎉🏊‍♂️🚴‍♂️🏃‍♂️🥂 #SocialButterfly"

I don't want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within three weeks not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser.

I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within three weeks not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser.

Commentary:
"Breaking news: Cooking wizardry achieved! 🧙‍♂️💥 Closing that tab like a boss, because who needs recipes taking up precious browser real estate? 😜 #KitchenPro #MissionAccomplished"

Sometimes our greatest achievement in life is being able to survive our own thoughts.

Sometimes our greatest achievement in life is being able to survive our own thoughts.

Commentary:
"Surviving our own thoughts is like navigating through a minefield of 'what ifs' and 'I should have saids' 🤔💥 But hey, at least we can proudly pat ourselves on the back for making it this far without getting lost in our own heads!"

Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.

Commentary:
"Congratulations on achieving this incredible milestone! 🏆 Who knew that living every day would be your special talent? 😆 Keep breaking those records, one day at a time! 🎉 #LivingMyBestLife"

I'm just so lazy because I'm still recovering from the fact that I used to be the fastest sperm.

I’m just so lazy because I’m still recovering from the fact that I used to be the fastest sperm.

Commentary:
"Ah, the trials and tribulations of being a speedy little swimmer in your past life 🏊‍♂️ Now it's all about taking it slow and enjoying the race at your own pace 🐢 Embrace your lazy greatness, former champion!"

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshi's Castle. Really makes you think.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshi’s Castle. Really makes you think.

Commentary:
"Apparently, facing a horde of wacky obstacles is more challenging than interstellar travel. Who knew running through walls could be harder than rocketing through space? 🌕🚀💫 #TakeshisCastleVsMoonMissions"

If you gain 4 pounds in one weekend, that just means you’re an overachiever.

If you gain 4 pounds in one weekend, that just means you’re an overachiever.

Commentary:
Wow, talk about setting the bar high for yourself! 🎉🍔💪 Who knew weight gain could be seen as an accomplishment? Overachieving in all aspects, including the food coma department! 😂👏

When I die, throw me on Mount Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

When I die, throw me on Mount Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Commentary:
"Talk about reaching new heights even in the afterlife! ⛰️💀 Who knew Mount Everest could be the ultimate final resting place for those who aspire for greatness, even in death! 🏔️😄 #LifeGoalsInDeath"

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

Commentary:
"Looks like your tween mastered the eye roll arts with flying colors! 🎓👀😂 Guess it's time to upgrade to Eye Roll University – Master's level program! 🙄🎉 #ProudParent"

I have almost 100,000 miles on my office chair. So I got that going for me.

I have almost 100,000 miles on my office chair. So I got that going for me.

Commentary:
"Wow, with almost 100,000 miles on your office chair, you must be the Lewis Hamilton of the workplace! 🏎️💨 At least you can boast about your impressive 'chair-acing' skills! 😂 #WinningAtSitting"