It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you.

Shazam but for random noises outside.

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

Lego bricks are classic educational toys. You step on them once and you can do ballet.

When the client says: “make it pop”, I have to ask myself whether he means my mind or the project.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity.

Not all works of art are in a museum. I, for example, am lying on the couch at home.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant IKEA ball pit.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Be bold, be italic, but never regular.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

I don’t have bad handwriting, I’m just using my own font.

I don’t think inside the box and I don’t think outside the box. I don’t even know where the box is.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

Descibe your boobs only using a picture of them.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

I’m not lazy, I’m waiting for inspiration to hit me… should be here any time now.