Commentary:
Wow, guess it's time to start carrying a portable speaker and a Disney hits playlist for unexpected serenades! 🎶👓🔒
14830 Funny humor quotes
Leaving the club with 0 phone numbers and 0 Instagrams, cause I’m an alcoholic, not a hoe.
Commentary:
Guess I left the club with more drinks than digits 😂🍹 #PartyPriorities
Perverted freak with a pure heart that only freaks when froken to.
Commentary:
When your heart has more plot twists than a soap opera 📺💔🤣
Said good morning to my coworker at 6 a.m., and he told me to calm down.
Commentary:
When your excitement level is at "coffee IV drip" but everyone else is still on "snooze button" mode 😂☕😴
Costco has Adidas track suits for $30, and now my whole family looks like Eastern European gangsters.
Commentary:
Looks like the whole family is ready to take over the neighborhood in style! Just missing a bowl of borscht and some blaring techno music 🎶🔊👟💼
I still can’t believe school used to start at 7 a.m. and I actually showed up.
Commentary:
Who knew my teenage superpower was waking up before sunrise just for math class? 😴☕📚
Knowing that cats have excellent night vision, and then realizing that if they step on your face in the middle of the night, it’s a decision.
Commentary:
Cats are just nocturnal ninjas with questionable judgment 😂🐾🌙
The fact that nobody names their kids Achilles, Menelaus, Agamemnon, or Odysseus these days, but here are tons of Hectors around, says a lot.
Commentary:
Guess all those brave parents took an arrow to the naming knee! 🏹😂
Love putting “the” in front of band names that don’t need it.
Commentary:
This is how I confidently tell my friends about *The Coldplay* and *The Imagine Dragons* 🎸🎤😂
I’ve started answering my phone when a number I don’t know rings, and damn, some of that shit’s important.
Commentary:
Who knew mystery calls could be my new life coach? 📞🤔😆