I’m gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful, like a poorly timed joke that makes everyone feel weird.

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My Mom asks why everything is on the floor, like she never heard of gravity.

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Babe, are you okay? You’ve barely touched the argument I baited you with.

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Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

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I’m officially at the age where my favorite thing to do is sit down.

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I think I’ll just sit here and waste oxygen all day.

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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

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It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”.

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The problem with self-checkout is that all the cashiers are idiots.

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It’s funny how cats have ears on top of their head, but don’t use them.