Washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating.

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Did I eat too much candy today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

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I think I may need professional help. A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

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“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

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Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

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Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

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At 20, I was unstoppable; at 30, I’m just unstartable.

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Sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book.

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The ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives).