248 funny house quotes - Page 5 - Wordgag

Video games are great. They let you try out your craziest fantasies. For example, on The Sims, you can have a job and a house.

May 22, 2026

I want to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand.

May 22, 2026

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

May 22, 2026

I want my house spotless, but kicking my kids out seems wrong.

May 22, 2026

The fun thing about Airbnb is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation.

May 22, 2026

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house.

May 22, 2026

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

May 22, 2026

Not leaving the house and not having contact with other people. The punishments of my childhood are now my hobbies.

May 22, 2026

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

May 22, 2026

Tech enthusiasts: My entire house is smart. Tech workers: The only piece of technology in my house is a printer, and I keep a gun next to it so I can shoot it if it makes a noise I don’t recognize.

May 22, 2026

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

May 22, 2026

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

May 22, 2026

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew my buddy kept a diary.

May 22, 2026

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

May 22, 2026

You’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house.

May 22, 2026

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

May 22, 2026

I get it dogs, I wish I could also bark at strangers approaching my house.

May 22, 2026

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

May 22, 2026

When my husband says he’ll just be a minute, I know I have enough time to watch an entire television series, paint the house, or go on a quest.

May 22, 2026

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

May 22, 2026

This summer I’m going cicada mode: emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until I find a mate.

May 22, 2026

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

May 22, 2026

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

May 22, 2026

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

May 22, 2026

I always fear that one day I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet.

May 21, 2026

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

May 21, 2026

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

May 21, 2026

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

May 21, 2026

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? The one that I use every single day? And the location is my house, you say? Thank you so much for warning me. I will contact Interpol.

May 21, 2026

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

May 21, 2026

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

May 21, 2026

Haunted house idea: a poorly lit Walmart littered with people you haven’t seen since high school.

May 21, 2026

Anyone else who tells their pets every time they leave the house that they’ll be back soon?

May 21, 2026

You try to fart in the toilet in the morning without waking the whole house and thanks to the brilliant acoustics of the toilet bowl, the horn of Gondor sounds.

May 21, 2026

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

May 21, 2026

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one. There’s no in-between.

May 21, 2026

The fact that I have a lot of wine in the house proves that I don’t drink much. Otherwise the wine would be gone.

May 21, 2026

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

May 21, 2026

The most annoying child in our house is that of my mother-in-law.

May 21, 2026

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

May 21, 2026