248 funny house quotes - Page 5 - Wordgag

In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh and flies off like 20 miles east.

Apr 1, 2026

Getting road rage alone in my house.

Apr 1, 2026

I don’t need a maid. I just need someone to tell me once a week that they’re coming to visit, and I’ll panic-clean my entire house in less than an hour.

Apr 1, 2026

There’s an unwritten rule: if you need something and it’s available at your mom’s house, it’s yours.

Apr 1, 2026

My favorite Christmas Eve tradition is the one where I tell my kids we have to get the house spotless, or Santa won’t come.

Apr 1, 2026

“Home Alone” is a holiday reminder that peace begins the moment everyone leaves the house.

Apr 1, 2026

Phone dry, no food in the house, I keep dying in my game. I’m such a loser.

Apr 1, 2026

The older I get, the more I hate making extra stops after work. I drive home like I’m late for the house.

Apr 1, 2026

If I walk into a girl’s house and she got like 50 plants, I know she’s a keeper because she already takes care of a bunch of useless things. What’s one more?

Apr 1, 2026

Is it just my dad, or do all fathers watch videos on their phones with the volume full blast, with no concern for anyone else in the house?

Apr 1, 2026

We’re in the middle of a snowstorm with no cake in the house. I never expected to perish like this.

Apr 1, 2026

It’s amazing how much I accomplish around the house right before someone is coming over.

Apr 1, 2026

I’m so introverted, I only listen to house music.

Apr 1, 2026

My husband said it would be easier if we had a Christmas house that we moved into in December, instead of taking all these decorations out.

Apr 1, 2026

Winter hack: Avoid the cold by never leaving your house.

Apr 1, 2026

I’m at the age where I see a huge, beautiful mansion in a movie and think, “How much does it cost to heat that house in the winter?”

Apr 1, 2026

What age will I grow out of not answering the door when I’m home and sneaking around the house to find out who’s knocking?

Apr 1, 2026

In an effort to keep our house clean before Thanksgiving, I’ve asked my family to go live somewhere else.

Apr 1, 2026

Pouring rain, football on TV, empty house; the stuff dreams are made of.

Apr 1, 2026

Paid my rent and slept in every room of my house this week, kitchen and laundry room next.

Mar 31, 2026

Parent hack: Shut your child’s bedroom door to make your house cleaner.

Mar 31, 2026

Movie date at my house, but we use pirated sites and spend all night closing pop-ups.

Mar 31, 2026

It’s unbelievable how much work goes into having a mid-physique and a relatively clean house.

Mar 31, 2026

Living in your parent’s house is free because you pay with your soul.

Mar 31, 2026

If my house is clean, just know I yelled at everyone for two hours first.

Mar 31, 2026

Life tip: If all of your bathrooms are full and you’re waiting for someone to finish, just turn off the WiFi in the house.

Mar 31, 2026

You know you’re getting old when you get mad at some random car parked outside your house.

Mar 31, 2026

Thinking of starting a club for people who don’t like to leave their house. There are no meetings.

Mar 31, 2026

I just want a bar where I can pour my own drink, have music at a normal volume, and there are no people, and it’s my house.

Mar 31, 2026

The only ‘survival horror’ game I play is called ‘getting up every day and leaving the house.

Mar 31, 2026

Being in a rich person’s house is so stressful. Like, why am I struggling to find the trash?

Mar 31, 2026

Obviously, I’m gonna upload pictures with filters and in my best angles. If you wanna see the ugly side of me, come to my house, but bring ice cream.

Mar 31, 2026

Next on Tiny Houses: A family of 6 moves into a boat emoji.

Mar 31, 2026

My husband is trying to convince me that we’re in a situationship. “The situation is that we live in the same house and love each other.”

Mar 31, 2026

“I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to leave the house today, which, as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.”

Mar 31, 2026

If you’re soft, don’t come to my house, cause my kids will roast you.

Mar 31, 2026

My favorite thing to do on the weekend is not leave my house.

Mar 31, 2026

Yes, I upload photos with filters because I want to look good. If you want to see the ugly side of me, come to my house.

Mar 31, 2026

I’m surprised some of you are allowed out of your house on your own.

Mar 31, 2026

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

Mar 30, 2026