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That moment when you're time traveling through eternity using either a microwave minute or someone else's phone theater 😂📱🍿
14852 Funny humor quotes
Walmart was wild as hell today, so I fit right in.
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Sounds like you found the hidden level in the retail video game! 🎮😄🛒
Going to the bathroom at night with my flashlight on and a dog next to me feels like I’m gonna solve a mystery.
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Ready to crack the case of the midnight munchies with my trusty sidekick, Scooby-Doo! 🐾🔦🔍
Throwing “whereupon” into a few work emails today to keep it fun.
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Adding "whereupon" makes me sound like a medieval scribe trying to get through a 9-5! 📜😂
If you ever feel like a failure, just remember, Domino’s tried to open pizza chains in Italy.
Commentary:
Domino's trying to sell pizza in Italy is like bringing sand to the beach 😂🍕🇮🇹
Nudes are outdated. Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you’re not dumb.
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Who knew literacy could be the ultimate seduction technique? 📚😂
After smartphones, we never got pictures of Bigfoot anymore. You know why? That’s right: 5G killed all the Bigfoots.
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Guess even Bigfoot couldn't handle the upgrade 📱👀🦶🌲 #5GProblems
Having a job is crazy. When you’re at home, you feel lonely and want to go to work. When you’re at work, you’re exhausted and just want to go home.
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Work-life balance is just a fancy way of saying I'm confused about where I want to nap! 🛋️💤💼
Tweeting with no audience feels like screaming jokes into a cornfield.
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Screaming my best jokes to corn stalks, at least they won’t judge or boo me! 🌽😂📢
Maybe the reason we weren’t that affected by all the violence we saw in cartoons as kids is because it was offset by classical music.
Commentary:
Cartoons: violence to classical beats, the original reality show! 🎻💥😄