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92 Funny ID quotes

If I were God, I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

3 months ago

If I was a little smarter, I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

3 months ago

If I shook my head at every stupid thing I saw, I’d have permanent whiplash.

3 months ago

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

3 months ago

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

3 months ago

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

3 months ago

I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns.

3 months ago

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

3 months ago

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo.

3 months ago

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong. When exactly does the strong part kick in?

3 months ago

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

3 months ago

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

3 months ago