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69 Funny thinking quotes

How can you not appreciate a drunk text? Someone is absolutely off their face and still thinking of you.

3 months ago

I’m at an age where, when I’m tying my shoes, I think about what else I can do while I’m down here.

3 months ago

Not being able to teleport is continuing to be a huge inconvenience for me.

3 months ago

Life would be so much easier if you could push a button that makes dickheads fall through a trap door in the floor.

3 months ago

I find myself thinking “God, I need a cigarette” way too often for someone who doesn’t actually smoke.

3 months ago

Who needs therapy when you can gaslight yourself into thinking that everything is fine?

3 months ago

Got so emotional thinking about the Toy Story aliens. They have each other.

3 months ago

I really wish people would stop thinking they need to speak to me in the mornings.

3 months ago

Whenever an insect rides for miles on my car, I imagine it thinking: “Oh crap, moving again!”

3 months ago

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car.

3 months ago

Of course I have critical thinking skills, I’m thinking critically of you right now.

3 months ago

Can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

3 months ago

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes, I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

3 months ago

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

3 months ago

Sorry, but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. Walking faster than me? Also my enemy. Now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm, yeah, I’m thinking enemy.

3 months ago

Thinking the bodega owner likes you is exactly the same as thinking the stripper likes you.

3 months ago

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now. I really appreciate the opportunity though.

3 months ago

How many sit-ups do I have to do before I get a six-pack? Please say 5.

3 months ago

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought so many socks online last night.

3 months ago

Some people you look at or hear talking and think to yourself, the wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead.

3 months ago