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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇨🇲 has downloaded:

Kinda rude when I spend money, and it actually leaves my bank account. But okay.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has downloaded:

When you clean your room so well that the only trash left is you.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has bookmarked:

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has shared:

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has copied:

Once you realize that no one really cares how you’re doing, it becomes much easier to answer the question.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has downloaded:

Unfortunately, it only strengthens my spirit when the summer people mourn their terrible season.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has copied:

I disagree with my politics.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has bookmarked:

You’re confusing me with someone who cares what you think of me.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has shared:

That moment when you have to restart a song because the conversations in your head got too loud and you missed half the song.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has viewed:

University is more like teaching yourself for a class you paid for.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Reddit:

Need someone to feed me Doritos while I read, so I don’t mess up the pages. No weirdos.

Just landed via Facebook:

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Making waves on Telegram:

I’m multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time.

Live now on Reddit:

“You’re so quiet!” Thanks! I actually tried to speak twice but you kept talking over me.

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Breaking via Reddit:

I don’t argue with idiots on the Internet, I just keep scrolling and mind my own business.

Going bananas on Telegram:

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

Making waves on Telegram:

Flying bugs can basically go anywhere they want, but still choose to fly right into your face.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

285 Funny today quotes

More funny today quotes 👇

Sorry I can’t come today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandpa’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and it was tragic.

3 weeks ago

brother, died, excuse, fish, friend, friends, grandpa, grandson, humor, i, mother, sister, sorry, today, tragedy, uncle
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

3 weeks ago

alarm, dust, early, humor, kid, me, needs, parenting, scream, today, wake, wake up
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

3 weeks ago

aging, aging humor, everyone, found, freak, freak out, funny moment, grey, grey hair, hair, humor, i, meeting, moment, pubic, pubic hair, reaction, surprise, surprise reaction, today, Zoom, Zoom meeting
Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.

3 weeks ago

caffeine, coffee, day, days, fatigue, humor, morning, needs, tired, today
Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”

3 weeks ago

complaints, conversation, daughter, giving, headache, humor, i, manufacturer, me, parenting, sarcasm, suggestions, today
Listen, before I had my coffee I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today either.

3 weeks ago

awesome, coffee, day, going, humor, i, know, listen, morning, morning routine, motivation, routine, self-awareness, today
Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed and cleaned everything thoroughly. Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

3 weeks ago

bathroom, cleaning, cockroach, domestic, domestic life, everything, humor, husband, kitchen, life, prank, relationship, thought, today, yesterday
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

3 weeks ago

day, day off, going, humor, joke, just, lighthearted, printer, procrastination, today, work
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life.

3 weeks ago

beauty, beauty routine, ever, fast, humor, i, joke, legs, life, loss, lost, routine, shave, today, weight
I can be social. Today I meowed at my cat and he meowed back.

3 weeks ago

animal, animal behavior, back, behavior, cat, communication, funny interaction, humor, i, interaction, meow, pet, social, today

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All funny today quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections

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Social Media Stars ⭐

36 shares on X this month:

Girl, he’s nonchalant because he doesn’t like you. He’s definitely chalanting somewhere else.

56 shares on Snapchat this month:

I don’t even want a new year this year. I’ll take a lightly used 2006, if it’s available.

88 shares on Facebook this month:

If you would just let me help, you’d be in an even worse position than you are now.

75 shares on YouTube this month:

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible.

55 shares on Threads this month:

Oh, I have Christmas spirit. The question is: Do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat?

50 shares on WeChat this month:

The only exercise I’ve done this month is running… out of money!

44 shares on Reddit this month:

I am physically, mentally and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life…. hibernation.

75 shares on Facebook this month:

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

55 shares on Twitch this month:

Whenever someone says “Per ChatGPT” or “ChatGPT says,” I look at them like they just consulted a magic 8 ball because, please, stop playing with me.

68 shares on Threads this month:

Me liking your post is the equivalent of an angel kissing your forehead.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇻🇨 has downloaded:

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has copied:

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes, all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has viewed:

What doesn’t kill you gives you a twisted, dark sense of humor.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has downloaded:

There is no bigger lie than “fun for the whole family”.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has shared:

I drive like I’m immortal.

Someone from 🇹🇱 has shared:

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has bookmarked:

Went on a date with a guy who didn’t ask me any questions about myself, so it’s on him when he finds out about my husband.

Someone from 🇰🇭 has downloaded:

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has copied:

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has bookmarked:

All the fruit flies are well-behaved near the garbage, only one is constantly nagging somewhere else because it thinks it has to discover new lands.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Messenger:

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Breaking via Snapchat:

No more fun facts. I want to know what your last nightmare was about.

Breaking via Discord:

The circus does not condone the actions being taken by its monkeys.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

Unless it’s manic, I don’t want to hear about your Monday.

Spotted on X:

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.

Breaking via Threads:

This meeting could have been a painting in a museum of boredom.

Going bananas on Telegram:

A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

Live now on Threads:

Off to my crying appointment (therapy).

Going bananas on X:

Some people are so fake, their lock screens don’t recognize them.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Money saved by using public transport instead of an Uber is paid for with your time and mental health instead.

Activity Log ✨

285 Funny today quotes

More funny today quotes 👇

All funny today quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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