Commentary:
Finding extra cash during the holidays is like finding a unicorn in my wallet 🦄💸
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service? Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.
Commentary:
Even my cat's hairball incidents get a heartfelt "Sorry!" 😂🙈
Clicked on ‘Make a reservation’ on a restaurant’s page, and it opened FaceTime and started calling them. I cannot stress enough how much I do not want that to happen.
Commentary:
Who knew FaceTime was the new OpenTable? 🍽️📞😅
One minute you’re young and fun, the next you’re excited about a new vacuum cleaner.
Commentary:
When did I go from wild nights to wild nights of spotless carpets? 🧹🤣
Currently looking for tickets for the first flight back to the ’90s.
Commentary:
Why take a flight when we can just rename our WiFi "Dial-Up Connection"? 🚀😆📼
Dogs have two jobs: calm their humans when they are stressed. Stress their humans when they are calm.
Commentary:
I must have hired my dog as a full-time stress consultant 😂🐶💼
“Stop overthinking.” Oh, wow. Hadn’t considered that. Solved.
Commentary:
Oh, perfect! Just needed someone to say it—problem solved! 😂🤔✨
My dental plan is, “I guess I’ll just chew on this side of my mouth from now on.”
Commentary:
When your bank account's telling you to chew like a pirate with a toothache 😂🦷🏴☠️
“We’re the only species that drinks milk after infancy, dairy is bad for you!” We’re also the only species that drinks peach mango pineapple spirulina kale smoothies, Karen. Let me eat my cheese in peace.
Commentary:
Guessing the animals are just mad they can't order kale sippers at the smoothie bar, Karen 🐄🥤🧀
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Commentary:
I guess we can safely say I'm more of a land shark when it comes to biking 🦈🚴♂️😂