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38 Funny dark humor quotes

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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next.
Imagine if every time you ate a grape you’d hear a soft voice whisper “that was my son…”
I’m the friend who shows up with a shovel and an alibi.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

More funny dark humor quotes 👇

1 month ago
Share →: I wish I could have a kid just to see what it looks like… and then put it back.

Commentary:
"Modern parenting: test-driving kids like they're on a 30-day return policy 😂👶🔄"
2 months ago
Share →: Babe, are you ok? You’ve barely talked about the horrors of being alive.

Commentary:
"When your existential crisis takes a coffee break ☕😅 #LivingInDenial"
2 months ago
Share →: Imagine if every time you ate a grape you’d hear a soft voice whisper “that was my son…”

Commentary:
Well, talk about emotional baggage with your snacks! 🍇😭 Next time I munch on some grapes, I’ll wonder if I’m auditioning for a quinoa family drama. 🍇🎭 Who knew fruit could be so H O T! 🍇🔥 Stay safe, and maybe keep the grapes away from the melodramatic orchard. 😉
2 months ago
Share →: What’s a polite way to tell someone you hope they get mauled by a bear?

Commentary:
"Here's a novel idea: 'May you have a beary exciting wildlife encounter in the near future!' 🐻😉 Remember, speak softly and carry a big stick, or in this case, a good sense of humor!"
3 months ago
Share →: Presumably, if you had a time machine, you could just kill young adult Hitler. The baby part seems gratuitous.

Commentary:
"Time travelers facing tough ethical dilemmas: Do we really need to take down baby Hitler, or can we just catch him in his angsty teenage phase? 🕰️👶💥 #ChronoConundrums"
3 months ago
Share →: All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.

Commentary:
"Living life to the fullest and planning my grand finale with a touch of German flair! 💀🇩🇪 Who says death can't be dramatic and bizarre? 🎭 #LifeGoals #GermanVocab"
3 months ago
Share →: Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

Commentary:
"Watch out for those couples who finish each other's sentences, they might just be plotting their next crime spree! Keep your words to yourself and your sentences unfinished!"
4 months ago
Share →: I’m thinking of maybe killing off a few characters in the book I’m writing. That will really spice up my autobiography.

Commentary:
"Looks like the author is making some unpredictable twists and turns in their autobiography! 📚💥 Who knew writing could be such a dramatic *murderous* affair? 😄 #PlotTwist #AuthorsLife"
5 months ago
Share →: At my funeral, take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next.

Commentary:
"Here lies a real crowd-pleaser! 💐🎉 Who's up for catching the bouquet and continuing this wild ride of life? 😉 #FuneralGoals"
5 months ago
Share →: For financial reasons, I will be passing away.

Commentary:
"Well, talk about a morbid way to announce bankruptcy 💸💀 Let's hope the afterlife has better interest rates! 😉🔄"