Commentary:
Trying to play hard to get when they're already in stealth mode 😂🤷♂️🔍
2117 Funny me quotes
New year; new me. Just kidding. I’m already awesome.
Commentary:
New year, same awesome me! Why mess with perfection? 😎✨
Cars should have two horns, one for “excuse me, kind friend,” and another for “curse you and your family for generations.”
Commentary:
When you need to politely ask someone to get moving but also want to keep the "may your descendants forever feel my mild road rage" option open 😂🚗📢
I just love the lack of privacy in the pharmacy line. Just standing there shouting out my name, date of birth, and exactly what is wrong with me for the world to hear.
Commentary:
It’s like a TED Talk, but with more awkward medical details! 🤦♂️🎤💊
My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.
Commentary:
Foxes need coffee too! ☕🦊 Sounds like someone just got outfoxed by their own joke! 😂📞
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles.
Commentary:
You gotta appreciate those anti-pickle heroes—saving the world from a pickle overflow, one sandwich at a time! 🥒😂
My wife just pulled me into the other room, and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk, but she just wanted to give me M&M’s without the kids seeing.
Commentary:
When you think you're being summoned for a family board meeting, but it's actually a secret candy operation 🍫🤫😂
I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I like eating candy in a dark room where it’s illegal to talk to me.
Commentary:
Turns out I've been training for the Olympics in stealth candy consumption 🍬🎬🤫
Don’t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Commentary:
Counting sheep and doing nothing takes planning! 🐑📅 Let me pencil that in! 😆
Main difference between me and my jokes is that folks don’t laugh at my jokes.
Commentary:
Sounds like you're a comedian in training, where the first step is to get everyone to laugh at… everything but your jokes! 😂🎭