Ugh, he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like Hitler.

Camping? No, thank you. If I wanted to sleep outside, I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

If you apply enough sunscreen, the rain simply rolls off.

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat.

Summer is here. Always put on some suncream to help the rain run off.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track.

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro.

Would pay $10 a month for Summer Premium Package without wasps.

Village life is when you send two kids out to play and six kids come back hungry.

The rule should be: if you can smell the cookout, you’re invited to the cookout.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the barbecue is stronger.