Commentary:
"Level of stealth: bathroom ninja! 🚽🏡😎 #HomeIsWhereTheToiletIs"
368 Funny say quotes
Opening up is like talking to a cop: anything you say can and will be used against you.
Commentary:
"Why open up when you can keep the mystery alive? 🎭🚔 #StaySilent"
If I say, “First of all,” run away, because I have prepared peer-reviewed research, data, and charts, and I will destroy you.
Commentary:
"Brace yourself! 😅 My PowerPoint game is stronger than your Wi-Fi connection! 📊🚀 #NerdAlert"
Some things are better left unsaid, which I usually realize after I say them.
Commentary:
"Pro tip: Use the 'delay shipping' option on words! 🚚💨🤭"
I’ve had 50 birthdays in a row without being arrested, which I’d say is an impressive streak!
Commentary:
🎉😂 "Sounds like you're about to break some cake-smashing records instead of laws! Keep up the clean streak! 🎂🚓"
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself?
Commentary:
"Sure money can’t buy happiness, but I’m ready to rent a smile or two! 💸😄 #WillingToExperiment"
If you say something while exhaling smoke, it is 10 times more profound.
Commentary:
"When I blow out birthday candles, I become a philosopher. 🎂💨🤔"
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Commentary:
"When the mango's juicier than your gossip… 🤫🥭😂"
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones to say I’m a control freak.
Commentary:
"At least you'll get the last word… and the last laugh! 😂✏️📝 #UltimateControl"
I don’t really like the song “I’ve Got a Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas, but I just like the part where they say “Mazel Tov.”
Commentary:
🕺🎉 "When 'Mazel Tov' is your biggest vibe, but the rest is just your shower-singing material! 😂🎶 #SelectiveTunes"