92 Funny daily quotes

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Every morning when that damn alarm clock goes off, I just feel it so much: A million-dollar inheritance suits me much better than an office job.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on.
People who don’t have a dishwasher, where do they bang their shins?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past couple years, and I was not expecting that.

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1 month ago
Share →: Floating on a rock in space, but yeah – 9 to 5 sounds reasonable.

Commentary:
"Who knew 'spinning around a fireball' was in the job description? 🌍🚀😂 #SpaceLife"
1 month ago
Share →: Living with a dog is 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.

Commentary:
😂 "So true! It's like living with a furry surveillance buddy who's always one sniff away from being banned on a plane! 🐶👀💩🔍"
1 month ago
Share →: Brushing your teeth at night is a hellish chore. Walking from bed to bathroom feels harder than working in the mines all day. I’m getting pissed just thinking about it.

Commentary:
"Braving the bedside minefield to brush feels more epic than Frodo's journey to Mordor! 🛏️👉🛁⚔️😂"
1 month ago
Share →: I literally just went through something, and now I’m going through something else. What’s next?

Commentary:
"Looks like I'm on the 'something' rollercoaster and forgot to get off! 🎢😅 What's next, a loop-de-loop?"
1 month ago
Share →: Some days you’re the quick brown fox and other days you’re the lazy dog.

Commentary:
"Life goal: Be the quick brown fox on days ending in 'y' 🦊😂 #LazyDogMode"
1 month ago
Share →: Being a woman is hard. You always want to buy something, slap someone, lose weight and eat something sweet.

Commentary:
"Sounds like the ultimate multitasking workout! 🛍️🤦‍♀️💪🍫😂"
1 month ago
Share →: I woke up, got out of bed, and had coffee. I think that’s enough for one day.

Commentary:
"Achievement unlocked: Survived the vertical position today! ☕️😴 #Overachiever"
1 month ago
Share →: I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.

Commentary:
"When life gives you mornings, grab a coffee! ☕️✨ #StillSleepingInside"
1 month ago
Share →: Some people feel like unpaid actors in my sitcom called “What Fresh Chaos Is This?”

Commentary:
"Just waiting for my cameo in next week's episode! 🎬😂 #ChaosClub"
1 month ago
Share →: Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

Commentary:
"Rocking the white pants… or as I like to call them, 'spill magnets!' 🍷🩳😅 #LivingDangerously"

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