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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇵🇭 has copied:

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you are holding the taser wrong.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has shared:

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has shared:

If a billionaire is telling you to vote for someone, it’s probably in your best interest to vote for the other person.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has viewed:

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on LinkedIn.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has bookmarked:

You’re so productive for your wage.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has viewed:

Becoming an adult was the worst thing I’ve ever done.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has bookmarked:

I think if you ask Kanye for a million at the right time, he’ll give it to you.

Someone from 🇹🇱 has bookmarked:

My mama didn’t raise a quitter, she raised a burnt out perfectionist who is sometimes bludgeoned into settling for mediocrity.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has downloaded:

Stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “I think it’s so brave that you’re here”.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has downloaded:

There should be an opposite of Valentine’s Day where you post Instagram photos of your enemy.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Messenger:

Silicon Valley has taken over the world. Remember when nerds had the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

Freshly posted on Facebook:

That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

Just shared via Discord:

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano.

Seen just now on Instagram:

Windmill? Big fan.

Making waves on Pinterest:

Sometimes I look deep into my colleagues’ eyes to check if you really can’t see the back of their skulls.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Men with bibles names be the worst type of people.

Going bananas on Messenger:

Sorry, I’m late. I sat on my bed in a towel for 45 minutes, staring at the wall.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Showing your emotions to the wrong people is like bleeding next to a shark.

144 Funny diet quotes

More funny diet quotes 👇

Diet Coke is just a fridge cigarette.

1 week ago

cigarette, coke, diet, Diet Coke, dieting, fridge, humor, just, sarcasm, soda
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

1 week ago

diet, drive, eat, fasting, fitness, health, humor, humor quote, i, intermittent, joke, lifestyle, sarcasm
Yesterday, I went to the grocery store, and I managed to come home without any junk food. Now, I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

1 week ago

craving, diet, food, food craving, grocery, grocery store, home, humor, i, irony, junk, junk food, mad, store, temptation, yesterday
I’m planning to eat the rich, but can I sub out fries for a salad?

1 week ago

commentary, diet, eat, food, fry, humor, i, irony, planning, rich, salad, satire, social, social commentary
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

1 week ago

cheeseburger, choice, diet, eat, family, food, food choice, food preference, front, fruits, honesty, humor, humor quote, just, kids, knowing, life, means, parent, parent life, parenting, parenting struggle, preference, pretend, struggle, vegetables
I am on a diet where you just speak Italian: “Pasta,” “Pizza,” and “I’m leaving Rooma for dessert.”

1 week ago

am, comedy, dessert, diet, food, food joke, humor, i, italian, Italian food, joke, just, leaving, pasta, pizza, speak, where, wordplay
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t want to talk about it.

1 week ago

diet, dinner, eating, food, food humor, humor, i, joke, lasagna, sarcasm, talk, today, vegetable, vegetable lasagna, want
Feeling weird from my cookie-based diet.

1 week ago

cookie, craving, diet, feeling, food, food joke, humor, joke, snack, weird
It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

1 week ago

alike, cravings, diet, exercise, extra, fitness, food, fry, humor, humor quote, me, much, snack, sound
Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.

1 week ago

better, cookie, craving, diet, eating, humor, i, loss, motivation, self-control, skinny, temptation, tomorrow, wake, weight, weight loss

For even more funny diet quotes, hit next 👇

All funny diet quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Social Media Stars ⭐

54 shares on Messenger this month:

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas.

76 shares on TikTok this month:

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend clearly has never met shredded cheese.

68 shares on Reddit this month:

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

42 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Just a friendly reminder folks. Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

45 shares on Messenger this month:

Not to brag, but I can put my socks on without sitting down.

29 shares on Facebook this month:

Please don’t ask me about my dream job. I would never work in my dreams.

98 shares on Telegram this month:

I love when the plot thickens.

68 shares on Reddit this month:

Dear 8 hours of sleep, I miss you so much.

45 shares on Telegram this month:

Is anyone else really scared for how stupid and illiterate the next generations are gonna be?

44 shares on Facebook this month:

No one talks about the resentment you have towards yourself after you didn’t listen to your gut.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇩🇯 has shared:

The sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you is called Bi-yourself.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has copied:

Whoever salts the fries at McDonald’s needs to come do the roads.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has downloaded:

Have to connect the printer to my new laptop, and my goal is to cry no more than three times.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has shared:

The only thing worse than a nightmare is waking up from a great dream before you get to see how it ends.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has viewed:

Did it make you feel powerful when you didn’t let me merge onto the highway?

Someone from 🇵🇪 has downloaded:

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has bookmarked:

Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual. I just paid $18 for a coke & a sandwich. Let’s start with that.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has copied:

My therapist is fluffy and walks on four paws.

Someone from 🇬🇹 has bookmarked:

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has bookmarked:

I got a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if you think I’m pretty.” Sometimes I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Messenger:

I swear every time I look up from my phone, it’s a different holiday.

Going bananas on X:

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Just shared via Twitch:

Job interview: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Hopefully on a sabbatical.

Making waves on TikTok:

If you push your belly button and nose at the same time, your brain takes a screenshot.

Spotted on Pinterest:

I once hated my job so much that I would come home from work and watch vlogs of people quitting their jobs, wishing it was me.

Just shared via Pinterest:

The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

I’ve got a headache, and it’s affecting my entire future.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

My body is a temple. An ancient, creaky temple with questionable plumbing.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Someone asked, “Can I bum a scroll?” because they deleted Instagram off their phone.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Activity Log ✨

144 Funny diet quotes

More funny diet quotes 👇

All funny diet quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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