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I am “I can’t remember the last time I went out on New Year’s Eve” old.
Halloween pumpkins look even scarier if you just use the ones from last year.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of Pi.
We all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last donut.

More funny last quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: The same mosquito kept biting me last night. It probably thought it was at a wine tasting.

Commentary:
"Seems like that mosquito has some fancy taste buds! 🍷🦟 Must have been looking for a more refined blood type! 😂"
5 months ago
Share →: I won’t be accepting any parcels for the neighbors in December this year. Last year it was all junk.

Commentary:
"No more playing postman for the neighbors this December! Can't risk being the middleman for Santa's not-so-nice deliveries again 🎅📦🚫 #NoMoreJunkMail"
5 months ago
Share →: On Halloween, I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice. Only while supplies last.

Commentary:
"Get ready for some full-size servings of terrible wisdom this Halloween! 🎃🍫 Remember, sometimes bad advice can be the best treat of all! Just like those full-size candy bars, grab them quick while supplies last… or maybe not 😏🤪 #HalloweenHumor"
5 months ago
Share →: The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Commentary:
Ah, the government's procrastination game is strong, isn't it? 🏛️⏳ Just like the tax deadline sneaking up on us every year! 😂💸 Better late than never, right? At least we're all consistent in our procrastination tendencies!
5 months ago
Share →: If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”

Commentary:
"Attempting the 'opposite parenting strategy' like a mad scientist? Universe be like: 'Nice try, Sherlock! Parenting puzzles are a whole different galaxy 🌌.' 🤣"
5 months ago
Share →: He took my last fry, your honor.

Commentary:
"Your honor, I object! Taking someone's last fry is a serious offense punishable by a lifelong ban from all future fry-sharing sessions 🍟⚖️ Let the record show that this crime against potato goodness shall not go unpunished!"
5 months ago
Share →: Being lazy has its advantages. I still have most of my winter fat from last year.

Commentary:
"Who needs a winter coat when you've got last year's padding still intact? 😂 Embracing laziness like a boss! 💪 #WinterPreparedness"
5 months ago
Share →: Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

Commentary:
"Raising toddlers: where every day is a rollercoaster ride of emotions, and your last nerve is on the menu! 🤪🎢🍳 #ParentingStruggles"
5 months ago
Share →: When I watch hockey, I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Commentary:
"Watching hockey is like witnessing a fierce battle for the coveted last Oreo 🏒🍪 I hope they remember to dunk it in milk during intermission! #TeamOreo"
5 months ago
Share →: I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Commentary:
"Sorry, can't make it to our plans – apparently my transformation into a super organized, punctual being got lost in the mail 📬💁‍♀️ Maybe next week, when I'm a whole new me! 🤷‍♂️😆"