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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇱🇦 has copied:

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has downloaded:

I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has bookmarked:

I’m like the Temu version of a well-functioning adult.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has copied:

Never in my life have I heard my dad sneeze at an acceptable volume.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has viewed:

I don’t hate anyone in particular, I just hate everyone in general.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has copied:

A dating app that matches people by the conspiracy theories they are interested in.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has downloaded:

Sometimes I miss the time when there was only one idiot per village.

Someone from 🇹🇱 has viewed:

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school, let’s keep it that way.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has bookmarked:

I don’t want to adult anymore. Don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat. Jump around randomly, eat what I want, and head-butt anyone who annoys me.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has viewed:

Roses are red. I’m going to bed.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2263 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,425

Funny Quotes Topics

15,131

Funny Quotes Images

12,425

Updated

2 hours ago

Users Online

3,455

Social Media Log 💫

Reported on LinkedIn:

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you.

Just shared via Facebook:

I don’t need therapy. I need everyone who’s ever wronged me to suddenly feel a chill and not know why.

Just shared via TikTok:

Is Mercury in reggaeton?

Live now on Snapchat:

We’d all look younger if we just avoided young people.

Trending via Snapchat:

Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

I honestly have no idea what a vitamin is. It’s in a banana but it’s also the sun? Sure.

Going viral on Facebook:

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Making waves on WeChat:

Heyyyyyy (with the worst of intentions).

Just landed via Snapchat:

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Spotted on Facebook:

When I see chocolate, I hear two voices inside me. One says: “Eat it!”. The other says: “Did you hear that? You’re supposed to eat it!”

Home » Funny New Quotes » Page 4

196 Funny new quotes

More funny new quotes 👇

1 month ago
Share →: People text “Happy New Year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

Commentary:
"New year, new me… and by 'me' I mean ghost mode activated for 364 days! 👻📅✨"
1 month ago
Share →: I hate starting new relationships. I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

Commentary:
"When you gotta pretend you're a 'normal' human for 60 days… 🤪🚀 #OscarWorthyPerformance"
1 month ago
Share →: My new phone is being delivered by Amazon, which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Commentary:
"Can't wait to see my phone's travel vlog before it becomes my personal spy! 📱🕵️‍♂️🚚 #ItKnowsTooMuch"
2 months ago
Share →: My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

Commentary:
"Guess my PJs are practicing social distancing from drama! 😆🛌🚫🗣️"
2 months ago
Share →: Being an adult is getting excited about buying new appliances.

Commentary:
"When your heart skips a beat because your toaster has a bagel button! 🥯✨ #AdultLifeGoals"
2 months ago
Share →: Sorry, can’t. I’m too busy growing new neural pathways to make space for a stranger’s opinion. Evolution takes bandwidth, man.

Commentary:
"BRB, upgrading my brain software. Please hold while I process your opinion! 🧠🔄😂"
2 months ago
Share →: Crying while wearing a backpack has unlocked a new level of humiliation I did not know was possible.

…

Commentary:
"Next up: crying while doing a plank in a crowded gym! 😅🎒😭 #FitnessEmotions"
2 months ago
Share →: No, I didn’t eat enough protein today, but I did think of you with enough intensity to generate new muscle tissue in my heart.

…

Commentary:
"Who needs protein shakes when I've got you giving my heart a workout? 💪❤️😂"
2 months ago
Share →: There is a giant spider on my dash so I’m going to have to buy a new car now.

Commentary:
"Time to upgrade from 4 wheels to 8 legs! 🕷️🚗💸"
2 months ago
Share →: Discovered a new coping mechanism called lashing out and making your loved ones resent you.

Commentary:
"Ah, the classic 'make everyone mad and see who sticks around' strategy! 😅🔥 #NotRecommended"

For even more funny new quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny new quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

New Funny Quotes

Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇬🇾 has bookmarked:

I want to clarify that what I publish on social media does not define me as a person; I am worse.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has bookmarked:

With great power comes a huge electric bill.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has copied:

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has copied:

If I was God, I would’ve equipped women with venom glands.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has shared:

Them: Money doesn’t bring happiness. Me: Pass the money over here, I like to be sad.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has shared:

My teen believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left, and oh, how I laughed and laughed.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has shared:

Horoscope: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has bookmarked:

The masculine urge to make a woman sit through a YouTube video that she will not find funny or entertaining.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has downloaded:

Asking a film guy, “Who is that?” when Tom Cruise comes on screen just to feel something.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has downloaded:

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework? Vodka!

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Discord:

I’m scared to go to an art museum, because what if they decide to keep me?

Just landed via Slack:

My birthday wish is for everyone to ignore my birthday.

Making waves on X:

Growing up, I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup, but here we are.

Freshly posted on Discord:

Reverse cowgirl is not a fair trade because, why do you get a view of my sexy back, and all I’m seeing are your toes throwing gang signs?

Reported on WeChat:

All the world’s a stage, and I always forget my line.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

The state of my house can best be described as “there seems to have been a struggle”.

Spotted on Discord:

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

His palm trees are Serengeti, destination wedding, luggage is heavy. There’s vomit on his tux already, Dollar store confetti.

Just landed via X:

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor. No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

You want me to attend a work meeting? The thing that killed Julius Caesar?

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

196 Funny new quotes

More funny new quotes 👇

For even more funny new quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny new quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

They said don’t try this at home, so I’m coming over to your place.

Time to get off the internet, I’ve already had enough stupid for the week.

Hey dude, I recently became omniscient, and well, you fell off in every universe.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

“Have AI summarize this email for you!” No thanks, I can read what the person actually said in the way they intended.

Not texting back is only ok when I do it.

Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

When I dance, people say it reminds them of a wild dog chasing its tail.

After overthinking about it for 6 hours, I have decided that it’s actually not that big of a deal.

If you respond to emails and Teams messages quickly, you can get away with basically anything at work.

The closer you are to nature, the further you are from idiots.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

If you think one of my posts is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

At what age do people actually meet up to play bingo? I’m ready.

Activity Log ✨

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