166 Funny new quotes

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  3 months ago

  Share →: New challenge called “don’t say ‘wow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter”

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic battle against the inevitable darkness creeping in early. It's like trying to resist hitting the snooze button on a Monday morning – a challenge that tests our willpower and self-restraint. Let's see who emerges victorious in this epic struggle of seasonal observation!"

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  3 months ago

  Share →: Just once I’d like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear “Monday has been cancelled,” and then go back to sleep.

  Commentary:
  "If only Mondays had a snooze button! Imagine the joy of waking up to the news that Monday has been cancelled – a dream come true for everyone who needs just a little more weekend in their life. Who knows, maybe one day the universe will grant us the ultimate Monday morning gift – an extra day of relaxation and Netflix binge-watching. Until then, we'll just have to keep hitting that 'snooze' button on our alarms and dream of a world without Mondays!"

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  3 months ago

  Share →: Thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess.

  Commentary:
  Ah, the classic holiday dilemma: trading one mess for another in the name of festive cheer! Who needs a spotless house when you can have a beautifully chaotic display of holiday decorations instead? It's the perfect excuse to put off cleaning and embrace the merry madness of the season!

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  3 months ago

  Share →: Remember when we were young we wanted to stay up for New Year’s? Now we’re old and cursing because we’re staying up past 9:30 and our entire sleep routine is disturbed.

  Commentary:
  Ah, the joys of aging gracefully – from eagerly awaiting midnight to grumbling about staying up past the early bird special hour. Who knew that a disrupted sleep routine would become a cause for such commotion? It's like our inner grandparent is giving us a stern lecture on the importance of a good night's sleep. Cheers to trading in late-night revelry for early-bird perks!

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  4 months ago

  Share →: The worst part about borrowing money is having to pay it back or move to a new city.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the joys of modern life – debts or destinations! 🏦🏙️ Don't you just love the dilemma of either parting with your hard-earned cash or packing up your life in search of a debt-free haven? Decisions, decisions… 💸😂"

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  4 months ago

  Share →: The week between Christmas and New Year’s should be studied as it is clearly a wormhole, disturbing time and space.

  Commentary:
  Ah, the mysterious week between Christmas and New Year's – a time when calendars seem to lose all sense of logic and normality. It's as if the universe itself hits the snooze button and decides to take a nap until January. Just remember, when you feel like you've fallen into a time-warping wormhole during that week, it's perfectly normal. Embrace the chaos and enjoy the ride!

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  4 months ago

  Share →: The only thing I gained this year is weight.

  Commentary:
  "Well, they do say that gaining weight is just a sign that you're really good at enjoying life to the fullest! Looks like you've been winning at that game this year!"

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  4 months ago

  Share →: I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic 'eat now, pray later' diet strategy. It's like a culinary Hail Mary pass – you never know when the miracle will happen, but you're definitely hoping for a touchdown in the form of a metabolism boost!"

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  4 months ago

  Share →: I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid.

  Commentary:
  Well, those bruises must have quite the active social life if they're not from getting lucky in love!

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  4 months ago

  Share →: I’ve already picked out my sweatpants for New Year’s Eve.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a fancy dress when you have a trusty pair of sweatpants ready for the biggest party of the year? 🎉 Comfort is the new couture, baby! 💁‍♂️ #NewYearsEveGoals"

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