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46 Funny past quotes

Trending Funny Past Quotes 🔥

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
That moment when a zombie out for brains walks past you.
I’m staying up past midnight this New Year’s eve. Not to welcome the new year, but to make sure this one is over.
Having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. Like, imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window, mind your business.

More funny past quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: Sorry to any bands who see me yawn during their show. It’s not you, it’s just past 10pm.

Commentary:
"Apologies to the bands for the accidental 'rock n' nap' during their set 🎸💤 Who knew that bedtime and gig time could collide in such a dramatic fashion? Rock on, but please, after my bedtime! 🤘😴"
5 months ago
Share →: Having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. Like, imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head.

Commentary:
Oh man, having a peanut allergy must be quite the adventure! 🥜🐍 Just when you thought dodging foul balls was challenging enough, now you have airborne rattlesnakes to contend with! Talk about taking "peanut gallery" to a whole new level! Stay alert, folks! 🤣🥜🐍 #AllergyAdventures
5 months ago
Share →: Don’t tell me that everything was better in the past. I was there.

Commentary:
"Please don't try and pull the nostalgia card on me. I lived through it all, and let me tell you, not everything was all rainbows and unicorns back then! 🌈🦄 #BeenThereDoneThat"
5 months ago
Share →: LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Commentary:
Ah, LinkedIn, the virtual networking jungle gym where your once-a-drinking buddy transforms into a potential job fairy godparent 🧚‍♂️🍸. Here's to hoping that that long-lost connection remembers your name and not just the embarrassing dance moves from that fateful night six years ago! 🕺💼 #NetworkingWoes #JobSearchStruggles
5 months ago
Share →: You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Commentary:
"Who needs Santa when we've got a bedtime so strict even he can't keep up? 🎅🕘 #SantaVsTheCurfew"
5 months ago
Share →: ‘Sex with your ex’ is so stupid. If you want to dwell on the past, you can just buy a history book.

Commentary:
"Who needs 'Sex with your ex' when you can have a bestseller? Take a page out of the history books instead of re-reading old chapters 😉📚 #MovingOnUp"
5 months ago
Share →: Coworker: Hey, circling back on that thing we talked about in December. Me: Stop living in the past!

Commentary:
Coworker: Hey, circling back on that thing we talked about in December. 🗓️
Me: Stop living in the past! 🕰️😂 It's 2021, let's leave 2020 where it belongs – in history books and funny memes! 💁‍♂️🚀 #MovingForward #NewYearNewMe
5 months ago
Share →: I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologize to me immediately.

Commentary:
"Looks like someone is ready to sweep away the drama like last year's confetti! 🎉 Better apologize now or prepare for a year of being ghosted faster than you can say 'resolution'! 🚫✨ #NewYearNewMe"
5 months ago
Share →: I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.

Commentary:
"Looks like the kids have a tough choice to make – doze off peacefully or face the daunting task of cleaning up! 😂🕰️🌙 Better hit the sack before the vacuum cleaner hits back! 🛏️✨ #ParentingDilemmas"
5 months ago
Share →: I’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. The sun will go down and I’ll be like: “Wow… remember when the sun was up… I miss who I was then”

Commentary:
😂🌅 Oh, the sun of youth, forever setting on our nostalgia trips! 🌟 It's like we've got a permanent case of FOMO for our past selves. But hey, at least we can always watch the sunrise of new memories! ☀️ Embrace the moment, even when you're missing who you were then!