358 Funny ever quotes

• Breakups are hard, but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered?

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  2 weeks ago

  breakup, dining, disappointment, ever, expectations, experience, food, hard, humor, relationship

• First caveman to see fire: Well, this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and I predict that’s the last I’ll ever see of that.

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  2 weeks ago

  ancient, bullshit, caveman, ever, evolution, fire, humor, i, last, misunderstanding, needs, prediction, reaction, skepticism, well

• Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

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  2 weeks ago

  again, alive, catching, ever, glad, humor, i, just, kiss, life, morning, next, person, relationship, sleeping, train, wake, wake up

• The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes.

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  2 weeks ago

  activity, bottle, drinking, ever, humor, joke, minutes, relationship, spending, spent, time, wine

• Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic, now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

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  2 weeks ago

  cooking, ever, food, garlic, here, humor, irony, joke, just, lie, myth, seasoning, think, vampire

• If I ever experience an earthquake, my first thought will probably be it’s Godzilla.

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  2 weeks ago

  disaster, earthquake, ever, experience, fear, Godzilla, humor, i, monster, reaction, thought

• If I ever had to fight a bear, I hope it’s a gummy bear.

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  2 weeks ago

  bear, ever, fight, gummy, hope, humor, i, joke, wish

• I will never fall victim to groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest nonsense you’ve ever heard.

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  2 weeks ago

  dumb, dumb nonsense, dumbest, else, ever, fall, groupthink, humor, i, individuality, irony, never, nonsense, opinion, opinions, perfectly, unique, unique opinion, victim

• Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

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  2 weeks ago

  awkward, awkward moment, childcare, come in, date, dropping, ever, gathering, hear, humor, kid, kids, moment, parent, play, play date, social, social gathering, words

• Dear diary, sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

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  2 weeks ago

  conversation, diary, ever, hobby, humor, introspection, monologue, myself, self-centered, sorry, talking

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