Sure, my internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting. Posted on15 hours ago
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience. Posted on18 hours ago
There are advantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it. There are disadvantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it. Posted on1 day ago
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser. Posted on1 day ago
You’re always bitching about your alarm clock, but put yourself in his shoes. The first thing he sees in the morning is your face. Posted on2 days ago
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants. Posted on2 days ago
I’m so single. When they ask me for an emergency contact, I put the neighbor’s dog. Posted on2 days ago
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position. Posted on2 days ago
Life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not. Posted on2 days ago
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night. Posted on2 days ago
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.” Posted on2 days ago
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out. Posted on2 days ago
They should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year. Posted on2 days ago
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog. Posted on3 days ago
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer and come out wrinkle free? Posted on3 days ago
If ever go missing, please only put pictures of me on the news where I look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me. Posted on3 days ago
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll and pop some money in the pocket, please? Posted on3 days ago
Restaurants: put your phone down, live in the moment. Also, scan our QR code and browse our menu. Posted on3 days ago
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree. Posted on4 days ago
Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe. Posted on4 days ago
I don’t mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years. Posted on4 days ago