A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

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I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

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Pretending you don’t notice people staring at you is a skill.

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The lion is actually pretty concerned right now.

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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

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You’re always bitching about your alarm clock, but put yourself in his shoes. The first thing he sees in the morning is your face.

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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

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You know how a dog tilts his head and looks confused when he hears a strange sound? Yeah, that’s how I feel when some people are talking.