To all of you who have never tried blindfold archery: You don’t know what you’re missing!

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

If you ever see me running, it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van.

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Video games are great. They let you try out your craziest fantasies. For example, on The Sims, you can have a job and a house.

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout.

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a large 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a large 8k TV).

You want to go out in the sun and then you can’t get the couch through the door.

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh, fresh out the box.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans two nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

First date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly two minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues.

I threw a ball for my dog. May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinny-dipping for me.

Riding a bike is an insane concept. You just sit and run at the same time.