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Many people love saying, “Get these away from me,” after eating a few chips.

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Going to all the Halloween parties this year as the Invisible Man.

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What is Washingtonโ€™s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat?

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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

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The thing about sleep is that Iโ€™d like to get some of it.

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Don’t forget to have an orgasm today. Partner is optional. Pleasure is not.

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Don’t throw hate at me, throw money!

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They said I can never go back to that Vietnamese spot. They banh mi pho life.

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This year is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

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Got a botched circumcision, now my willy wonka.

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ธ๐Ÿ‡ฌ has bookmarked:

There’s nothing that I hate more than a failed nap attempt.

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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

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If I had today’s mind, I wouldn’t have made yesterday’s mistake. But if I hadn’t made yesterday’s mistake, I wouldn’t have today’s mind.

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I am a fool everyday, I donโ€™t need a holiday for it.

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Don’t believe in yourself, you can’t do it.

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“You just want an easy life.” Should I want a difficult one?

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Lifeโ€™s all about crossroads and intersections; unfortunately, Iโ€™m a bad driver.

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If chickens knew how good they tasted, they would understand.

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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

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I was sad, but then I ordered some new clothes. I’m okay now.

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