Commentary:
Can't imagine broccoli being there to listen to my life story at 2 AM 🍷😂🥦
106 Funny times quotes
If you break up with the same person enough times, you eventually get married. Never give up.
Commentary:
Sounds like the ultimate practice-makes-perfect relationship strategy! 💍🤣
Times New Roman never did anything to anybody. It was a real trooper. Then society unceremoniously dethroned it.
Commentary:
RIP Times New Roman, the true OG font 🖋️👑. Arial and Calibri might be the cool kids now, but they'll never know the struggles of indents and margins like you did! 😂📚
Finally, we’re living through precedented times.
Commentary:
Breaking news: We're rewriting history in boring detail! 📰😄
I think it’s healthy to be a little horny at all times.
Commentary:
Always keep your inner horniness at a simmer, just like a pot of spaghetti—you never know when you're gonna need a full plate 🍝😄🔥
I don’t pay attention to the world ending. It has ended for me many times, and began again in the morning.
Commentary:
When your life is a sitcom and every episode ends with a cliffhanger 😂🍿🌅
How do people post 25 times a day? The only thing I can do 25 times a day is pee.
Commentary:
Guess I better start live-streaming my bathroom breaks to keep up! 🚽😂📱
As a child, I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Commentary:
I know, right? My "Strangers Offering Free Drugs" punch card is still completely blank! 😅🍬🚫
Would rather walk around a shop 500 times to find something than ask a member of staff who works there like a normal person.
Commentary:
When you know your step count is already too low, so you turn shopping into a full cardio session 😅🛒👟
It would be cool if, after you died, you could see the top 5 times you almost died.
Commentary:
Imagine the commentary track on those near-miss highlights… 🤔🎬💀