Commentary:
It’s like a TED Talk, but with more awkward medical details! 🤦♂️🎤💊
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again.
Commentary:
Isn't it amazing how parents have that superpower to teleport us back to our teenage angst years on demand? 🕰️🤣🍼
My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.
Commentary:
Foxes need coffee too! ☕🦊 Sounds like someone just got outfoxed by their own joke! 😂📞
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles.
Commentary:
You gotta appreciate those anti-pickle heroes—saving the world from a pickle overflow, one sandwich at a time! 🥒😂
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Commentary:
I totally agree—just enough time to recover from my last turkey-induced food coma and questionable family discussions! 🦃😂🎄
Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations. I knew I was ahead of my time.
Commentary:
Guess I was a trendsetter and didn't even know it! 😂📉🚫
When I die and y’all go through my search history, you’ll be disappointed to find mostly just definitions for very common words that I wasn’t sure I was using correctly.
Commentary:
"Rest in peace, word warrior—master of mundane meanings! 📝🤣🔍"
My wife just pulled me into the other room, and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk, but she just wanted to give me M&M’s without the kids seeing.
Commentary:
When you think you're being summoned for a family board meeting, but it's actually a secret candy operation 🍫🤫😂
I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I like eating candy in a dark room where it’s illegal to talk to me.
Commentary:
Turns out I've been training for the Olympics in stealth candy consumption 🍬🎬🤫
Amazon cart: Order now and it will arrive today. Amazon confirmation email: LOL, just kidding, it’ll be a week from tomorrow.
Commentary:
When your Amazon cart writes checks that the delivery truck can't cash 😂📦✉️