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  • When I die, I want to come back as a speed bump so I can pis...
  • I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from ‘Back...
  • Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home an...
  • Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is alw...
  • It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize ...
  • I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after...
  • I’ll call it a smartphone when I yell “Where&#82...
  • Start each day with a positive thought, like: “I can g...
  • Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the l...
  • How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your ba...

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