Commentary:
Forty years of bathroom trips and still not done—my bladder must be harboring secrets! 🚽🤔🤣
5670 Funny i quotes
Wild Friday night, and by wild, I mean me and the other psychopaths at the gym.
Commentary:
Sounds like you're getting a cardio workout dodging all the social interactions! 🏋️♂️😂🤸♀️
If I walk into a girl’s house and she got like 50 plants, I know she’s a keeper because she already takes care of a bunch of useless things. What’s one more?
Commentary:
Ah yes, she’s already running a botanical daycare; adding one more needy creature (me) should be a breeze! 🌿🥴🪴
I’m an adult. I can do whatever I want. And yet, here I am just doing laundry, eating salads, taking antidepressants, flossing my teeth, and going on little walks. Like an IDIOT.
Commentary:
Adulting Level: Expert 🧺🥗🚶♂️ #LivingTheDream #FlossLikeABoss 😄
I admire how, when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it.
Commentary:
Proof that babies are the original mic drop artists 🎤👶✨
I feel like this holiday season, it’s important to remind people of the true meaning of Christmas: ghosts terrorizing rich people in the middle of the night until they agree to pay their employees more.
Commentary:
When you realize the holiday spirit is just a spooky HR meeting with festive lights 👻🎄🤑
I got Botox, and I asked the doctor, “How many years younger will this make me look?” and he was like, “Zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who have also gotten Botox.”
Commentary:
"Botox: when you're not competing with time, just the other Botox club members! 😆💉👵✨"
So I just checked my bank account, and it looks like for Christmas I am getting everyone the thought that counts.
Commentary:
Looks like my bank account's in stealth mode for the holidays! 🎅💸😂
Jacket I left on a chair that sometimes looks like a person at night stuns in new evening nightmare.
Commentary:
When your jacket pulls off a better prank than you ever could! 👻🧥🤣
Let the kids believe in Santa. I believed the Undertaker and Kane were brothers.
Commentary:
Learning the hard way that wrestling storylines aren’t family trees! 🎅🤼♂️👨👦