Commentary:
Trying to adult but somehow ended up being my own pet with a treat-based reward system 🐾🍪🧹
The hottest part of sex is when I take off my glasses and put them in a safe place.
Commentary:
Putting the sexy in spectacles—watch out, things are about to get blurry! 🤓🔥🚫
There’s endless songs out there about love and pain and life, but basically only one about the wheels on the bus. Just goes to show you they nailed it the first try.
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Who knew the real lyrical genius was a preschool songwriter? 🎶🚌 #OneHitWonder
Eating Chinese takeout is never as depressing as in the movies. It usually is good.
Commentary:
Chopsticks: Saving me from movie-level melancholy, one dumpling at a time! 🥡🥢😂
There is literally no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.
Commentary:
Why split a mansion? My five friends and ten dogs already own the deed to my heart! 🏰🐾😂
I’ve been so stressed about getting my shit together that I haven’t gotten any of my shit together.
Commentary:
Looks like my 'get it together' plan is still under construction 🚧🛠️ Stress level: expert, productivity level: potato 🥔
Growing up, there was a Cody in every elementary school class, but as an adult, I haven’t met a Cody in years. Where did they go?
Commentary:
Maybe all the Codys have formed a secret society of adults who still know the best hide-and-seek spots 🕵️♂️🙌😂
Here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. Some apples are delicious, some taste bad. Sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. You know what’s the same every time? Doritos.
Commentary:
Ah yes, the great battle of nutritional roulette vs. dependable Dorito dust! 🍎🎲🔶
Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.
Commentary:
Living the dream, sounds like a real nightmare! 😂😎
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair.
Commentary:
Wow, with all those words, you'd think there'd be at least a polite way to schedule a chair appointment! 🙃🪑📚