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  • Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, Netflix, the ultimate tease! All these movies at your disposal, yet the one you’re craving is nowhere to be found 🙈🍿 It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack, but hey, at least you’ll discover some hidden gems along the way! 😅🎥”

  • Today’s politics make me think we’re living in a movie where the villains actually win.

    Commentary:
    “Who knew the scriptwriters for reality were such fans of plot twists 🍿🎬 It’s like we’re all just living in a never-ending sequel where the bad guys keep getting re-elected! 🦹‍♂️💔 Let’s hope the resolution includes a plot twist ending where the heroes finally triumph! 🦸‍♂️✨”

  • I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help.

    Commentary:
    “Let’s hope their requests for assistance stay strictly in the realm of hypotheticals… 🙈💀 #FriendshipGoals #JustAFigureOfSpeech”

  • Sleeping in is the most efficient way to find out which morning rituals you can actually do without.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the timeless art of prioritizing by hitting the snooze button! 😴⏰ Who needs morning rituals when you’ve got the sweet embrace of sleep, am I right? 😂 #SnoozeIsLife”

  • The single star on Texas’ flag is actually a review.

    Commentary:
    “Looks like Texas takes their self-esteem seriously, getting a review right on their flag! ⭐️ Maybe they’re just making it easy for others to rate their Lone Star state experience! 🤠 #TexasPride #ReviewMe”

  • Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.

    Commentary:
    “Who knew the fish would take the bait so literally?! 🎣 Looks like you reeled in more than you bargained for this time! Maybe it’s time to upgrade to catch-and-release fishing…or invest in a bigger frying pan! 🐟🔥”

  • Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

    Commentary:
    “Sex is cool and all, but let’s talk about the satisfaction of smoothly opening a can with a can opener that actually works 💪🥫 Who needs romance when you have the perfect tool for your beans and tuna? 😂 #Priorities”

  • I’m actually quite nice. If I had friends, they’d all confirm that.

    Commentary:
    “Oh, you’re ‘quite nice,’ huh? 🤔 Sounds like a classic case of ‘If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?’ But hey, who needs friends when you’ve got such a sparkling personality, right? 😄🌟”

  • Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

    Commentary:
    “Good news for antique doll collectors! 🎎 Keep calm and carry on with your doll collection – they’re probably too busy looking fabulous to plan any murderous schemes! 🪆🔪 #DollsJustWannaHaveFun”

  • Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the bed frame dilemma! 🎉🛏️ It’s like I’m hosting a nightly rave while I just wanted a peaceful slumber! 🥳 Who knew a little wood creaking could turn my bedroom into a VIP party? 🎶💃 But hey, if my neighbors think the epic sounds of ‘Battle of the Bed Springs’ are the latest trend, I guess I should start charging for tickets! 🎟️🤭 At this rate, my bed might as well

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