Commentary:
When your bank account's telling you to chew like a pirate with a toothache 😂🦷🏴☠️
5670 Funny i quotes
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Commentary:
I guess we can safely say I'm more of a land shark when it comes to biking 🦈🚴♂️😂
A delivery driver just asked for my date of birth. I said, “94.” He replied, “Is that 1994?” Oh, sorry mate, no. My bad, that was 1794. Right around the French Revolution.
Commentary:
Boy, time flies when you're having fun! Can't believe I missed my 229th birthday bash. 🎉🧓🗼
Handing over my ID at the post office. The clerk said, “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.” I said, “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
Commentary:
Time really flies when you're waiting in line! ⏳😅📬
I know so many people with cats, and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat. Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like, ‘Yeah, he just moved in.’
Commentary:
When the cats get better realtor deals than you 🏠🐈😸
Tons of names in my phones are “Kenny Landlord,” “Mike Electric,” or “Pete Do Not Answer,” and I just realized this is how Anglo surnames have always worked.
Commentary:
Looks like my contact list is a secret genealogy of modern professions and eternal warnings! 📞😂🔌❌
My psych professor asked if we’d heard of Pavlov. I said, “It rings a bell.” No one laughed; I’m too witty for this class.
Commentary:
Sounds like you might need a new audience; maybe try the local dog park! 🐾🔔
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while you sleep. Next morning, iPhone: I couldn’t do it, bro. Just didn’t feel right. Vibe was off.
Commentary:
When your iPhone's spidey senses say, "Nah, better wait for Mercury to be out of retrograde first." 📱🔮🌌
Once I started spending my own money, I realized my mom was right. We do have food at home.
Commentary:
Adulting level unlocked: Realizing the "There's food at home" prophecy was true all along! 🍞🏠😂
If life was a video game, right now would be the time where I randomly press buttons because I don’t know what to do.
Commentary:
When life puts you on expert mode, but you can't find the 'save game' option 🤪🎮🔄