166 Funny new quotes

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  5 months ago

  Share →: If you’re riding a bike in New York City, it means you care about your health. Riding one in Tennessee means you got a DUI.

  Commentary:
  "Riding a bike in New York City: Look Ma, no DUI! Riding in Tennessee: Just trying to stay sober…or pretending to be Lance Armstrong! 🚴‍♂️🚓"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful when you’re older.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs milk teeth when you could have adult teeth to match your adulting skills! 🦷💁‍♂️ Time to level up in the tooth game, kids! 😉 #AdultingIsHard"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a new tab you opened to read later.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the perfect crime – burying a dead body among the endless sea of unread articles and forgotten tabs! 👀💻 Just make sure you don't accidentally close that tab when you're deep into the article… 🚫🔍 #TechSavvyMurderMystery"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? The one that I use every single day? And the location is my house, you say? Thank you so much for warning me. I will contact Interpol.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the sheer audacity of a new device trying to login… from the cozy confines of your own home! 🤔📱🏠 Quick, call Interpol! This is clearly a case for the world's top cyber secret agents to handle! 🔍🕵️‍♂️💼"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job.

  Commentary:
  Oh no, the dreaded office birthday celebrations strikes again! 🎉 Looks like it's time to update the resume and start job-hunting for a workplace that won't throw surprise parties. 🎂 Who knew a cake could cause such chaos? 🍰 #OfficeDrama

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  5 months ago

  Share →: When the past calls, don’t answer it. It has nothing new to tell you.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the past, always trying to slide back into your DMs like an old ex! 📞🚫 Don't give in – that book has been read cover to cover, dear past! 📖😄 Let's stay focused on the NOW and the NEXT chapter! 🚀🔮 #MovingForward"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: All the fruit flies are well-behaved near the garbage, only one is constantly nagging somewhere else because it thinks it has to discover new lands.

  Commentary:
  Looks like one fruit fly has grand exploration dreams while the rest are content with garbage buffet dining 🍌🦟 Keep reaching for the stars, little explorer! Who knows, maybe you'll stumble upon a fruit fly paradise with all-you-can-eat bananas! 🌟🍌

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the art of lorebombing, where exchanging life updates with a new friend in your thirties feels like sharing episodes from a TV series you both somehow missed! 📚🤝 It's like trying to binge-watch several seasons at once just to keep up with each other's 'plot twists'! #ThirtiesTales"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Okay, new plan, I’m going to marry a Kardashian.

  Commentary:
  "Breaking news: Local citizen scraps life goals, opts for Kardashian royalty instead 👑💍 Can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em, right? Get ready for the glam squad and paparazzi, it's showtime, baby! 📸💃 #KardashianForLife"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs wisdom teeth when you can have 'responsible decision-making' teeth instead? 🤪🦷 Imagine brushing with hindsight toothpaste every morning! 😜 #AdultingUpgrade"

For even more funny new quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny new quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌