15 Funny speech quotes

• 

  1 week ago

  Share →: I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

  Commentary:
  "Welcome to the club! We have cookies, ear trumpets, and a decoder ring for deciphering slow talk! 🍪📣👂😂"

• 

  2 weeks ago

  Share →: I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic 'verbal time bomb' strategy! 😂💣 Good thing my pillow is a certified therapist! 🛌🧠"

• 

  4 weeks ago

  Share →: Heard a recording of my own voice, and now I can never speak again.

  …

  Commentary:
  "Just joined the Witness Protection Program for voices! 🎤🚫😂"

• 

  4 weeks ago

  Share →: I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you talk on speakerphone in public, everyone around you hates you.

  …

  Commentary:
  "Public speaker (phone) of the year goes to… no one! 🙉📢🚫😂"

• 

  1 month ago

  Share →: Sometimes I wish I had a speed bump between my brain and my mouth.

  Commentary:
  "With my track record, I'd need a whole traffic management system 🤯🛑🚗💬"

• 

  1 month ago

  Share →: His hands wouldn’t stop talking to me, your honor.

  Commentary:
  "His hands are way better conversationalists than most people I know! 😂🙌🗣️"

• 

  1 month ago

  Share →: Sometimes I don’t have anything intelligent to say and sometimes I don’t let that stop me.

  Commentary:
  "When the brain takes a vacation, but the mouth decides to work overtime! 🤪🗣️ #NoFilter #Oops"

• 

  2 months ago

  Share →: Without freedom of speech, we wouldn’t know who the idiots are.

  Commentary:
  "Freedom of speech: separating the pearls of wisdom 🧠 from the potatoes of stupidity 🥔 since forever! 🗣️🤪"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen”, I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs 'ladies and gentlemen' when you can kick off your presentation with a bang by summoning the mighty souls who heed your warnings? 🌟💼 Talk about setting the tone! 👏 #GenderNeutralGoals"

• 

  5 months ago

  Share →: I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are.

  Commentary:
  Ah, the pressure of marriage, where love meets performance anxiety! 💍🎤 Just remember, if your partner's speech is lacking, they can always blame it on nerves or forgetfulness… hopefully not on actually regretting saying "I do"! 😅👰‍♂️

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