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43 Funny spend quotes

Trending Funny Spend Quotes 🔥

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Gonna spend today following my cats into the kitchen and meowing at them until they give me treats.
Why is it called “free time” when I use it to spend all my money?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine. Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people.

More funny spend quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: I spend half the day wondering if it’s too late for coffee and the other half wondering if it’s too early for alcohol.

Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal struggle between needing caffeine to function and wanting alcohol to forget you need caffeine. It's a delicate balance of timing and priorities ☕🍷 #DecisionsDecisions"
5 months ago
Share →: They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

Commentary:
"Who ya gonna call? 🚫👻 Imagine the Yelp reviews on that: 'Great location, spacious rooms, but the ghost in the attic is a bit too chatty for my liking.' 😂🏠 #HauntedHouseHunting"
5 months ago
Share →: Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

Commentary:
"Stephen King's It: where Pennywise acts as the ultimate wingman for childhood friendships that never die 🤡👫 #FriendshipGoals #AdultingDoneRight"
5 months ago
Share →: Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine. Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

Commentary:
"Seems like the concept of 'wine budget' was lost in translation for this person 🍷⏳ Next time, maybe they’ll stick to the 'price tag' rather than 'time spent' approach 😄⏳ #TimeIsNotMoney"
5 months ago
Share →: You spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”.

Commentary:
"Isn't it just purr-fect how our feline friends always end up with the sassiest nicknames? 🐱😹 It's a meow-tastrophe waiting to happen! Who knew 'For God's Sake' and 'Please Stop' could be such popular choices among our whiskered companions? Perhaps they're just feline misunderstood! 😸"
5 months ago
Share →: Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying “What?” to this person?

Commentary:
"Ever feel like you need subtitles just to understand what on earth this person is saying? 🤔 Maybe you two are just speaking different languages – the language of confusion and bewilderment! 😂😜 Who needs clarity and understanding when you can just keep asking 'What?' for eternity! 🤷‍♂️🤣"
5 months ago
Share →: I’m so sick of TV shows and movies where there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

Commentary:
"Who needs fictional drama when real life is already giving you enough characters to roll your eyes 🙄 at? Time to switch from Hollywood plots to real-life shenanigans for some entertaining chaos! 🍿😂 #LifeIsTheBestShow"
5 months ago
Share →: Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts.

Commentary:
"Life's a stage, and for serial killers and comedians alike, it's all about that elusive Netflix special 🎬 Or you might just end up on those 'shitty podcasts' discussing your quirky hobbies like collecting stamps or, uh, body parts 🤷‍♂️ Either way, make sure to choose your performances wisely! 😉"
5 months ago
Share →: I feel like a wildlife photographer when I spend hours trying to capture my teenager’s smile.

Commentary:
"Spending hours trying to capture a teenager's smile is like tracking a rare species in the wild 📸🦁 Their smiles are elusive, mysterious, and often require patience and expert camouflage gear! Keep up the great work, intrepid photographer-parent! 🌿😄"
5 months ago
Share →: Wiping my hands on my pants before I’m shaking someone’s hand, so they spend the rest of the day wondering what I just touched.

Commentary:
"Look at you, turning handshakes into a mysterious guessing game 🤔👖 Let the speculation begin: Was it a secret slime operation or simply a mid-meal snack? The world may never know! 🕵️‍♂️🍔 #SneakyHandshakeMoves"