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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

You’re pretty… fucked up.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers, he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

We went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish.

“The engine light is on!” Yeah, that means it’s working.

The urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive. Bro, like, chill we’re getting there. Don’t threaten to come out.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Job interview: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Hopefully on a sabbatical.