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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇱🇦 has copied:

I could low-key really use a wish right now.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has copied:

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has bookmarked:

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has downloaded:

If I was a microplastic, I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has viewed:

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has bookmarked:

I am not someone you have to host if you invite me, because I will have canceled.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has downloaded:

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has viewed:

Brushing your teeth at night is a hellish chore. Walking from bed to bathroom feels harder than working in the mines all day. I’m getting pissed just thinking about it.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has downloaded:

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

Someone from 🇸🇨 has bookmarked:

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event. Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2450 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,612

Funny Quotes Topics

15,284

Funny Quotes Images

12,612

Updated

18 minutes ago

Users Online

3,453

Social Media Log 💫

87 Funny excuse quotes

More funny excuse quotes 👇

2 weeks ago
Share →: The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child.

Commentary:
That neighbor girl deserves an award in motivational parenting! 🏆😂👍
2 weeks ago
Share →: Sorry, can’t go out tonight. My bed told me it needs me, and I can’t let it down.

Commentary:
😴🛌 Bed loyalty is my priority! Can't risk a lumpy relationship 😆🌟
2 weeks ago
Share →: One thing that sucks about being grown-up is not being able to say, “My mom said no,” when you don’t want someone to come over.

Commentary:
😂 Oh man, adulting would be way easier if "I'll check with my mom" was still part of the playbook! 🚫🙅‍♂️
2 weeks ago
Share →: Sorry, I’m late. I got caught up at home being happy.

Commentary:
When happiness holds you hostage, even alarms wave white flags! 😂⏰🏡
2 weeks ago
Share →: Teens are like, “My homework isn’t done, but check out this presentation I made on why I need Instagram.”

Commentary:
When homework takes a backseat to PowerPoint skills: future CEO in the making! 📊😂📱
2 weeks ago
Share →: I can’t go to war, I have to water my plants.

Commentary:
Priorities: Water the ficus or save the world? 🌿💦 Priorities! 😄
2 weeks ago
Share →: Sorry, I’m late. I was trying to convince a bathroom hand dryer that I exist.

Commentary:
I totally get it! Those hand dryers are more skeptical of my existence than my cat when I try to feed her something new. 🙆‍♂️🌀🐱
2 weeks ago
Share →: Sorry, I can’t come over tonight. I’ve become too invested in these fictional characters and whether or not they will kiss.

Commentary:
Plot twist: I'm actually attending a virtual wedding as the official shipper 😂💑📺
2 weeks ago
Share →: Excuse me, can you direct me to the nonsense?

Commentary:
Lost on my way to logic, ended up here instead! 🤪🧭✨
2 weeks ago
Share →: Sorry, can’t. I’m currently nodding in class so the teacher doesn’t feel sad.

Commentary:
When you're doing your best owl impression to boost teacher morale 🦉📚😴

For even more funny excuse quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

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Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇫 has shared:

“Are you single?” No, I’m in a hallucinationship.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has copied:

If you’re feeling a little uneasy about the state of global geopolitics, remember to spend as much time on your phone as possible. The more information you ingest as you scroll, the calmer you will become.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has copied:

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has viewed:

People always ask me “Do you believe in God?” and I say of course it’s important to have self-belief.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has viewed:

It’s almost bed time, so I’ll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has viewed:

My daughter’s new Bluetooth karaoke mic has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared, and we are all just so, so sad that we can’t find it.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has copied:

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has shared:

To all the people who ask singles why they are actually single: Please don’t. We have sworn an oath and are not allowed to tell you the secret of our success.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has downloaded:

None of the Instagram story fonts represent me.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has bookmarked:

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Reddit:

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Shared recently on Facebook:

If I was a star and you were a star, I would wink at you and blink at you and twinkle at you and the earthlings would call it science.

Spotted on Twitch:

Girls expect handwritten letters from guys who copy birthday wishes from ChatGPT.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Actually, you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

Shared recently on TikTok:

Those security guards at the Samsung store are Guardians of the Galaxy.

Live now on WhatsApp:

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

The devil couldn’t reach me, so he made sure that the love I give is never reciprocated.

Making waves on Instagram:

If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize, I honestly did not think you could read.

Spreading quickly via Threads:

With great power comes a great electricity bill.

Spotted on Threads:

Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to kiss today.

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Activity Log ✨

87 Funny excuse quotes

More funny excuse quotes 👇

For even more funny excuse quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny excuse quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Hello pollen, my old friend, my nose is running once again.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans two nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

My entire life changed once I found out that a crush is just a lack of information.

Becoming a psychic for the foreseeable future.

Some people you look at or hear talking and think to yourself, the wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead.

Hey, we’re calling off the search party. We found a different guy out there we like more.

There’s nothing better than knowing that you don’t have to set an alarm clock for the next day.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Some people are like sunglasses: your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat.

I’ll rewind a movie, get on my phone, and miss the same part.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.

Sometimes I say “huh,” then answer the question before you can repeat your question.

Oh, sorry, I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse.

I’m writing a parenting book called ‘Kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did’.

Men make it so easy to hate them.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

“Your password is too weak.” Just wait until you see my will to live.

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