I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters. Posted on2 days ago
Jury duty is a wild concept. Whenever the government wants, they can just be like “Call off work, bestie, we need you to solve a murder. Here’s fifteen dollars.” Posted on3 days ago
If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing I ran my mouth until the bitter end. Posted on3 days ago
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s all that happens in small towns. Posted on4 days ago
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time? Posted on4 days ago
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people. Posted on4 days ago
Changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded. Posted on4 days ago
The concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. Here’s our little murder doodler. Posted on5 days ago
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick. Posted on6 days ago
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one. Posted on6 days ago
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up. Posted on6 days ago
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder. Posted on1 week ago
If I’m ever murdered, I don’t want two women with a podcast solving the case in their spare time. Posted on1 week ago
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door. Posted on1 week ago
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win. Posted on1 week ago