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22 Funny murder quotes

New funny murder quotes 👇

  • The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

    Commentary:
    “From apple munching to homicide in record time 🍎🔪😅 Clearly, things went from 0 to 100 real quick in the Bible! It’s like going from mild snacking to serious crime spree in just a couple of chapters. Talk about a plot twist! 😂”

  • Please solve a murder to prove you’re not a bot.

    Commentary:
    “Seems like murder mysteries are the new CAPTCHA tests. 🔍💀 Better brush up on your detective skills and remember, Sherlock Holmes never had to deal with this nonsense! 🕵️‍♂️🔐 #BotDetective”

  • My greatest aspiration is to one day solve a murder on a train.

    Commentary:
    🚂 All aboard the Murder Mystery Express! 🔍🕵️‍♂️ Who needs regular hobbies when you can live out your Hercule Poirot dreams, right? Just imagine solving crimes in style with a cup of tea in one hand and a magnifying glass in the other. All eyes on you, detective extraordinaire! 🕵️‍♀️🚂

  • I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

    Commentary:
    “Sounds like a thrilling read! Just like a rollercoaster ride, buckle up for a wild adventure that is sure to leave you hanging 📚🕵️‍♂️ But hey, at least you made a cameo appearance, right? 💁‍♂️😂”

  • If I ever went to jail for murder, it would be for murdering my printer.

    Commentary:
    “I swear, officer, it was self-defense! That pesky printer was just asking for it with its constant paper jams and ink cartridge tantrums! 🔪🖨️💢 #PrintersGoneWild”

  • Jury duty is a wild concept. Whenever the government wants, they can just be like “Call off work, bestie, we need you to solve a murder. Here’s fifteen dollars.”

    Commentary:
    “Jury duty: the ultimate surprise office party where you get to play detective without the cool spy gadgets. 🔍💼 And the pay? A whopping $15 to solve real-life mysteries. Sign me up for that adventure! 🕵️‍♂️💸”

  • If at first you don’t succeed, it’s only attempted murder.

    Commentary:
    “If at first you don’t succeed, it’s only attempted murder… of your goals! 🔪🙅‍♂️ Keep pursuing success with determination, not crime! 💪😂”

  • If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

    Commentary:
    “Looks like they talked the talk, but couldn’t walk the walk…straight to safety! 🗣️💁‍♂️ #ChattyVictim”

  • Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s all that happens in small towns.

    Commentary:
    🕵️‍♂️🎬 “Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s all that happens in small towns.” 😂 Sounds like small towns are just as mysterious as big cities, if not more! Who knew they were such hotbeds of crime and drama? 🕵️‍♀️🔍

  • Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

    Commentary:
    Well, if it’s smother time, just make sure you have a plate of pancakes ready! 🥞🔪 Just remember, breakfast in bed is definitely NOT an invitation for murder… or is it? 😏🤔 Just kidding! Always err on the side of caution when it comes to misheard intentions! #PancakesNotPoison 🥞🚫🧯

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